If Fiber Makes You Gassy, Please Keep It To Yourself

I was reading the latest post from the Creative Junkie (Andrea Chamberlain), who recently lost 40 pounds while on Weight Watchers. Which inspired me to write about some of the things that I  have been eating that have helped me lose 25 pounds (slightly less remarkable than her total, but still no tiny feat).

I should make a disclaimer first. To be honest, my weight loss wasn't really so much about what I ate, but more about what I DIDN'T eat. What I mean to say is, of course I (mostly) cut out the obvious high-calorie, not so healthy stuff like potato ships, ice cream, soda, and baked goods. And I tried to cook at home, making healthier meals with more vegetables and fruit. But mostly, I ate real food while maintaining some serious portion control (i.e. staying within my allotted Weight Watchers points).

With that being said, I know I have been posting recipes for meals here, but I think it might be helpful to list some of the snacks I have been eating while trying to lose weight. Oh, and don't expect me to be half as funny as the above-referenced post; Andrea is inappropriate and totally hilarious. But, here goes.

First, I did not drink a butt-load of water, as so many others profess to do when dieting. (By the way, I still dislike the idea of dieting, or at least calling it a diet. But, having spent the last three months on Weight Watchers and trying to live on only 19-21 points per day (my allotment went down as I lost weight), I must admit that I was sometimes hungry, and I cannot deny that I was dieting. But, as usual, I digress.) I realize that water is a healthy drink, and for some people, it may help them to feel less hungry. For me, it just helps me to feel bloated, which is not a pleasant state to be in. Besides, if you read this article, it talks about a review published in the American Journal of Physiology that found no evidence that people need to drink the often-recommended eight glasses of water per day. In fact, it dispels several myths, like "by the time you're thirsty, you're already dehydrated," "dark urine means dehydration," and "coffee, tea and soda don't count towards your hydration requirement." None of those appears to be true. Realistically, my 19-point daily allotment didn't give me much room to drink beverages with a points value. So yes, I cut out almost all other drinks besides water, and yes by default I ended up drinking slightly more water. But really, not so much.

I did, however, drink some diet drinks. I have always HATED diet soda and thought that if I had to resort to drinking diet, then it wouldn't be worth drinking soda at all. Which I still mostly agree with. But sometimes, you just need something other than water. Cue the Coca-Cola Zero Cherry. I think Coke Zero tastes the most like regular soda of any diet drink. No, it's not quite the same, and it tastes kind of flat in comparison. But the cherry flavor is the most drinkable diet I have tasted. How's that for a half-hearted endorsement? More recently, I have also started drinking some of the Sobe Lifewater Zero drinks, and I am definitely not in love with them, but they don't have the same gross STRONG artificial sweetener taste that most diet drinks do. And hey, a zero points pick-me-up is sometimes just what one needs to get through the day.

Nabisco 100 calorie snacks Mr. Salty Milk Chocolate Covered Pretzels. A delicious mix of sweet and salty, each of the 6 packs per box gives you just enough pretzels to satisfy the snacking urge. For just two Weight Watchers points, I get a delicious afternoon pick-me-up to keep me from turning into a starving, angry bitch before dinner. But they're apparently not for everyone, since Jake (who loves both pretzels and chocolate) won't touch them. Yay, more for me!

Reduced Fat Wheat Thins (Original, French Onion, or Garlic and Herbs). Are they as good as the regular ones? I have no idea. As far as I'm concerned, crackers are just a crunchy vessel for things that you want to dip them in- egg salad, soup, hummus. These ones taste fine, and you get 16 crackers for just two points.

Fiber One Bars Oats and Chocolate. The way that Weight Watchers calculates points involves some formula that takes into account the number of calories and grams of fat (more = more points), and the grams of fiber (more fiber = less points). No, the Fiber One bars aren't so yummy that I would eat them if I wasn't dieting, but at just two points each, they could fill me up for awhile. And for someone that never used to eat breakfast at all, they made an okay morning meal that I didn't get tired of eating everyday. Along the same line of adding more fiber to my diet, I found that it was super easy to switch to whole grain pasta and brown rice instead of white. Add more fiber, fill up your tummy, and bring down the Weight Watchers points values. It's win-win-win. But if too much fiber makes you gassy, then I can't help you there. Maybe not a win for everyone, after all.

Watchers Ice Cream Candy Bar. I suppose they can't call these Snickers bars for obvious reasons, but it's pretty much what they are. Made with a reduced fat ice cream substitute, of course, but so yummy that I could eat several a day. However, since they are three Weight Watchers points each (and not cheap, by the way), I can't really eat several a day, however much I would like to. These are a snack that I would eat even when not dieting. Some people also swear by Skinny Cow desserts (single-serve ice creams, sandwiches, cones, bars), and I tried several of those. They were surprisingly better than I expected, but in my mind don't hold a candle to the Ice Cream Candy Bar.

Unfortunately, I have to report that I never did not find a magic salad dressing, i.e. a low-fat, low-calorie delicious concoction that would make lettuce actually taste good. Although I tried several light dressings from Newman's Own (Balsamic Vinaigrette, Italian), a couple of different fat-free ranch dressings, and even Salad Spritzers (which taste like very watered-down salad dressing), at best they were just tolerable. My tastes run towards a full-calorie ranch dressing, but since those can be five to seven points for a two-tablespoons serving, I may never eat ranch again. So, I'm still in search of the perfect salad dressing, although I currently have about seven imperfect options in the fridge.

Now, I realize that most of this stuff goes against the advice of Michael Pollan's Food Rules (read my previous post for a review of sorts). Diet soda, reduced-fat foods, and anything that is artificially sweetened would be hard pressed to be counted as a "real food." Yes, I should be increasing the amount of fresh fruits and veggies in my diet, and I have. Significantly. In fact, one of my most frequent snacks was five baby carrots and/or a quarter of an apple at a time (which is the most you can eat and still count it as zero points. Cheating? Maybe.) But it's hard to change my junk food-loving ways. Baby steps.

Maybe Not Unthinkable, But Definitely Unpleasant

I went to a kickboxing class at the YMCA this morning. That makes two days in a row that I put Brody into Child Watch and got a workout. Yay, me. Which probably means that I won't go again for the next six months. (At least, that's how it usually works.) But I do fully intend to keep this up...

Let me back up. Since I started Weight Watchers three months ago, I have lost almost 25 pounds and made it down to my goal weight. Yay, me! I am back below where I was before getting pregnant with Jake. I weigh what my driver's license says I weigh! I kinda thought that was never going to happen. Really, when I set that goal weight, I never thought I was actually going to reach it.

I ditched my everyday jeans awhile ago, and went down to my thinner ones. They're currently being held up by a belt, but it ain't pretty. So, I ordered some new jeans from Gap online (I love my Long and Leans, and I use our Gap Visa card for almost all of our purchases so that I can earn rewards points to spend at Gap. And if I order online, it lets me combine promotions, which they don't let me do in the store, so the jeans ended up costing me almost nothing.) Anyhow, before I digress into a full-on Gap commercial, let me tell you that I ordered the jeans in the next size down, and they arrived in the mail yesterday. And I think they're still too big.

All good news (well, except that I had to go back to the store and try to exchange my jeans). So I went to Gap to try on the jeans, and found that the next size down really did fit better. Feeling crazy, I decided to try the next size down from there. They were too small. I could button them, though, which was a nice surprise, but clearly they were not the size that I should be wearing, which I was totally okay with. So, apparently, I wear precisely half the size I used to wear, or half the size of the jeans that I squeezed into on my "skinny" days. (I am going back and forth as to whether or not I should just write what size this is, but I think I'm gonna stick with "not" in order to avoid alienating any people that fit into one of two groups: a) those that will read it and think, "She only wears a size X? That skinny bitch has no right to complain about anything!" and b) those that will think, "She still wears a size X? And she thinks that she should look good in a swimsuit?")

Which brings me to what happened next: I decided to try on a swimsuit. I must have been feeling cocky about my jean size (I know it's just a number, but it was such a nice, low number!). I say cocky because I have always, always hated swimsuit shopping; it's one of the worst things that a female has to experience. In the past, I have gone into fitting rooms with a dozen or more swimsuits, only to eventually emerge with maybe one that didn't make me want to kill myself. On a really good day. I don't know what possessed me to try it on a swimsuit on this day, but I did.

I fully expected to be less-than-thrilled about my nowhere-near-flat stomach. I've had two babies, and I am beginning to accept the fact that my stomach may never recover, no matter what I weigh. I'm trying to accept it, so I found a black (dark colors make you look smaller) tankini (to hide the tummy) that looked super cute on the hanger. And I picked out a larger size in the bottom than the top, because I was trying to be realistic. And it fit. But it made me want to cry. My bruised legs (I don't know why I bruise SO easily, but I do), my not-smooth thighs, my butt chunks hanging out of the swimsuit (Jake coined the term "butt chunks" and I still like it better than butt cheeks). And I have no boobs. Seriously, of the 25 pounds that I lost, I think 10 of them came from my boobs. And those of you that know me, know that my boobs never weighed 10 pounds, even during the pregnancy or breast feeding stages. So, they currently weigh about negative five pounds, give or take.

Needless to say, I did not buy the swimsuit. I tried not to sink into a depression because I really, really don't want to have body image issues. I just want to go back to being very happy about all the weight that I lost and how much better I'm looking in regular clothes. Or even nude. Just not in a swimsuit, apparently.

So I got to thinking. Is this really as good as it gets for me? I'm not getting any younger, and I have had two kids. I don't really want to lose any more weight, and in fact, Weight Watchers won't let me lose more than a couple more pounds before I would be considered "unhealthy" for my height. I know that I haven't been going to the gym, but I have been walking much more (while pushing a stroller, or even some days a double stroller with more than 40 pounds in it). I went through a period where I was exercising pretty regularly at home- sit ups, push ups, leg lifts, stretching, etc.- although I have kind of let that fall by the wayside over the last few weeks. And I'm eating much healthier. So I should be much healthier, right? And more physically fit?

Well, I decided that I needed to make it over the next hurdle, and actually head to the gym to find out. Yesterday, I spent some time on the stationary bike and then the elliptical machine. (BTW- Brody did not love being in the Child Watch program, but he tolerated it, well enough that I figured I could head back the next day.) I felt really good after exercising, and was experiencing an endorphin high well into the afternoon. But I was starving. Seriously, I only earned a few WW activity points by exercising, but I think I ate an extra 10. Kind of works against the goal of maintaining my current weight, but whatever. Maybe I just need to workout more regularly to get used to it.

Today, I decided to be even more adventurous and return to the kickboxing class that kicked my butt the last time I went, which was almost exactly a year ago. The one that is led by an ex-Marine who apparently NEVER tires. And I learned a few things about myself. I am really not in any better shape than I was a year ago. THAT was a huge disappointment. And, there are some things about my body that have not recovered from pregnancy. For those of you that have not given birth to two children vaginally, this may be TMI. But I know that some of you will understand when I say that I cannot do jumping jacks without peeing my pants. THAT was a surprise, and not a pleasant one. But, I figure it could be worse (if you don't believe me, check out this hilarious but slightly depressing post from another mom, And Then The Unthinkable Happened).

So, what does this mean? It means that, although I have reached what I thought was the magic number on the scale, I haven't actually met my goal of being fit, healthy, and satisfied with how I look in a swimsuit. It means that I have more work to do. And I'm okay with that, because I know that I'm still working on establishing more healthy habits that make my feel good about myself. (Even if I'm not okay with peeing my pants.)

Please Excuse My Soapbox, I Really Just Meant to Give You an Update

It's been 11 weeks and 3 days since I first started this blog. Why am I counting? Well, I wasn't, but then I thought it would be nice to look back and see what kind of changes have happened since I started. It would be nice if it had been a real milestone, like the 3-month mark, or even 12 weeks maybe. I could hold off to post this next Tuesday, but do I really need to wait just because it appeals to my sense of order and perfectionism?

Here's my original list of what I wanted to change, or actually a slightly condensed/edited version:
-Lose weight
-Have a more active lifestyle
-Cook food at home
-Eat healthier food (less fast food)
-Find a hobby
-Spend less money at Target
-Improve the world (volunteer)
-Drink less soda
-Use reusable bags
-Spend less time on the computer
-Stop reading emails, etc. while driving
-Let Chris know that I appreciate him
-Keep my car clean

Well, I've made some improvement in about 85% of those goals, and I would say significant improvement in several of them. But it needs more work. How 'bout a quick assessment? (Okay, okay, I know I'm really unlikely to do it quickly, but here it goes anyhow.)

Lose weight: I think this counts as my biggest success so far. I have lost 21 pounds, and I feel much, much better about how I look. I haven't put on a swimsuit lately, but I can tell you that I could use some new (smaller sized) pants. My goal is still to lose another four pounds, and I'll do it, although it feels like slow going here at the end. But I'm really concerned about whether or not I'll be able to keep it off long term. I've never dieted before in my life, and Weight Watchers tells me that I should think of this as more of a lifestyle change than a diet. But honestly, I don't want to change my life to have to always be thinking about what I ate last and what I can "afford" to eat next without gaining weight. Will I ever be able to stop counting points? I hope so, but I think I've got a long way to go in the "maintenance phase" before I get there.

Active lifestyle: I don't count this one as nearly as much of a success. Yes, I am walking FAR more frequently. I try to take a walk with Brody in the stroller almost every day. But it's usually a short walk, like to the grocery store or Trader Joe's, and it's definitely not a "power walk". I've also been doing about 15 minutes of strengthening exercises at home about four times a week (sit-ups, leg lifts, push-ups, etc.). But I still haven't made it to the gym. Yes, we pay for a gym membership that doesn't really get used. And yes, they have childcare, so it shouldn't be that hard for me to plan time to go during the week. But since the last few times Brody went to the childcare, he cried so much that they had to come get me, I haven't been excited about the idea of bringing him back. I just need to do it, but there's always an excuse, like he has a cold or he's grumpy because it's too close to naptime. I realize it's time to move past the excuses and just give it a try because I'd really like to start going to at least one of the weekly exercise classes that they offer (yoga and kickboxing have been quite fun in the past). I put the classes that sounded good on my calendar, so at least I'll have a reminder that I'm not doing it.

Cook at home AND Eat healthier (less fast food) AND Drink less soda: I think I can safely put these in one category, since they've all been about equally successful. I've been making meals at home usually every weekday, and we go out, or pick up food to bring home only on the weekends. I try to limit eating out on the weekends to no more than one meal per day, but that can be difficult depending on what we have planned for the day. We probably end up having "fast food" close to once a week, and I'm drinking about one to two sodas per week, which is far less than previously. Yes, it's healthier and I'm sure we're saving money. But that doesn't mean that I don't think about eating out every single day. I would gladly have El Pollo Loco for lunch everyday, or have Chris stop to pick up Panda Express on his way home. But the reality is that there is no way that we could do that AND still stay within my allotted 19 points per day. (Yeah, I started with 21, but it turns out you lose WW points as you slim down. Unfair!) We can eat a few meals out on the weekend because I save up my weekly "splurge" points, and even then, I really try to limit the portion sizes (kid's meals or sharing meals often works). I have simplified cooking at home so that it's now much easier, and I have several meals that can be put together in about 15 minutes or even less. I cook extra so that we have leftovers for lunches, and we usually have leftovers for dinner a couple of nights a week as well. It's going really well, but I still like eating out. I guess that's just one of those things where I will always have to limit myself.

And all of this cooking at home hasn't really helped Jake's eating habits. Since I wait to eat dinner with Chris after he gets home, we usually don't eat until after we put the boys down for bed. So yes, I make a separate meal for my picky eater every night, which is almost always chicken nuggets, macaroni and cheese, bean and cheese burritos, or pepperoni pizza. And yes, that's a topic for a whole other blog.

Find a hobby: Nope, haven't done this one. I'm enjoying this blogging thing, but I don't really stick with it regularly enough to call it a hobby. I read a book (Pride and Prejudice). (BTW, I found it to be quite like a Harlequin romance novel where bickering=foreplay. But then, just when you think it's all going to pay off, there's NO steamy sex scene and the book is over. I felt a little robbed. And actually, I read two books, if you count Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems, which by the way, I haven't solved at all. But again, that's a whole other blog.) I love reading books; I always have. But my problem is that once I pick up a book, I find it very hard to put back down until I've read it all the way through. I could never understand people that read several books simultaneously. Don't you want to know how the first one ends? Don't you get so wrapped up in the characters and their lives that you find everything else in your life a distraction? No? Well, I guess that's just me. So, I don't think reading is the best hobby for me, unless it's okay for me to totally ignore my kids and my husband. Maybe I should take some kind of class- photography or karate or something. I'll have to think on this one.

Spend less at Target: Yeah, I'm not so sure why I set this as a goal in the first place. I don't think of myself as a crazy big spender. I don't like clutter, so I don't buy that much stuff. But I think I have bought slightly less over the last few months, so I guess that's good. But I really would like to lose these last few pounds so that I can go shopping for new clothes. I know I really need to go through my closet first and see what works and what doesn't, but that doesn't sound nearly as fun as a shopping spree.

Improve the world (volunteer): Yeah, I helped with a fundraiser at Jake's preschool, and we raised about $5000, which will go towards updating and beautifying the art studio. Yeah, Jake and I cleaned up an alley in our neighborhood. But that doesn't seem like quite enough.

-Did you know that World Blood Donor Day is on June 14th? Did you know that about 9% of Americans donate blood annually, and that if that number increased by just one percentage, it would be enough to end all national blood shortages in the foreseeable future? If interested in participating on June 14th (or any other day), you can schedule a donation through Red Cross.

-Did you know that Heal the Bay organizes beach clean-up events on the third Saturday of every month? I haven't made it to one yet, but does anyone want to join me on June 19th in Playa Del Rey?

-Did you know that there's this really cool organization called Kiva that works to connect people, through lending, to help alleviate poverty worldwide? You can choose the person you would like to loan money to, and give as little as $25. The repayment rate is over 98%, and when you get your money back, you can choose to loan it to someone else or cash out. We recently invested in Ernestina Sequeira Morales, a grandmother and janitor in Nicaragua who is trying to make improvements to her roof before the rainy season, so that her grandaughter (who lives with her) can "grow up in a pleasant atmosphere".

-Did you know that "kitten season" has begun? This is the time of year when there is an overabundance of stray kittens brought into local animal shelters, where they just don't have enough space or staff to care for them all. The sad part is, if these kittens could just be cared for until they are old enough to be adopted out, the majority could be placed with families who want them. Rescue groups help with some of these animals, but our also rely on individual volunteers to take in these animals temporarily. They'll provide you with food, vaccinations, etc. You just care for the animal(s) in your own home until they are old enough to be adopted out at 8 weeks. If there's any way that you can help out during this busy kitten season, please consider fostering an animal. If you have pets, please spay or neuter them. If you're thinking about getting a new pet, please consider your local animal shelter. And you can also help by donating towels, blankets and newspaper to your local shelter. Okay, back to my list now (since I will have to spend some time convincing Chris that we are ready for kittens again)...

Use reusable bags: I was already doing okay with this one, and I've made an effort to do even better. It's not perfect, but I'm trying. Did you know...

-Each year, 6 billion plastic carryout bags are consumed in LA County (600 bags per person per year).
-The US uses 12 million barrels of oil per year on the manufacture of plastic bags.
-It may take up to 1,000 years for a plastic bag to break down in a landfill, but even more alarming: Plastic bags are not really biodegradable. They actually go through a process called photodegradation—breaking down into smaller and smaller toxic particles that contaminate both soil and water, and end up entering the food chain when animals accidentally ingest them.
-In LA, public agencies spend tens of millions of dollars each year on litter prevention, enforcement and clean up. Plastic bags contribute greatly to this problem.

After my previous post, I had a couple of people tell me that they reuse their plastic grocery bags as trash liners, or to pick up their dog waste. And I've definitely done that. But that doesn't change the fact that they end up in the landfill, and eventually contaminating our soil and water. And there are better alternatives, like biodegradeable BioBags. I have to admit, I haven't tried these, and I have been using plastic trash bags to line the kitchen trashcan . But it's on my list to check out the alternative options at Whole Foods today. I know Seventh Generation makes recycled trash bags, which is at least better than creating a whole new bag for that purpose.

While we're on this topic, we should all use refillable bottles instead of disposable plastic water bottles, and bring our refillable mugs when we head to Starbucks. By the way, I don't claim to be anywhere near perfect, but I'm trying. I have friends that compost a lot of their waste, but I'm just not ready for that yet (I should, though). Yes, I still use paper towels and ziploc bags, but less than I used to. Oh, and I don't want to gross out anyone, but I really like my DivaCup, and the fact that I'm not adding tampons to the landfill. But I'm seriously digressing from my list today...

Spend less time on the computer: This one really hasn't been happening. Umm, you think that this blogging thing happens quickly? Nope, there's a lot more computer time right there. And I still check my email, like every five seconds. But I have gotten better about turning off my computer at night, and not looking at my phone. You know, unless I have actual work that needs to be done. Like blogging.

Stop reading emails, etc. while driving: I don't even want to talk about this one. Maybe I should turn off my phone before I get in the car. Okay, maybe I do need to talk about it. I LIKE feeling like I'm multitasking, and not "wasting" my time while driving. It's not safe, I know that, and it needs to stop. Maybe I should consider listening to books on tape or find some cd's that will teach me Spanish in the car. Or sing songs with the kids or something.

Let Chris know that I appreciate him: I really suck at this. If anyone has any great ideas, I could sure use some suggestions about how to be more complimentary and less critical. And actually, our 11th anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks, so thoughts on that would be great, too.  :-)

Keep my car clean: Inside, yes. Outside, no. I am regularly cleaning out all of the crap that used to accumulate in my car, which is great. But I still let the kids snack in the car, so the backseat is still pretty gross. And I haven't gone to the car wash much, which is why it's not being vaccuumed often, and the outside is covered in tree sap and bird poop. I know, I should just wash the car at home, which would give me some exercise at the same time.

Okay, so there's my list. And my accountability. Can I really change the things I don't like about my life in a year? Almost three months in, and I think I'm at least on the right track...

Chris lost about 20 pounds without hardly trying.

It doesn't seem fair. I mean, I'm happy for him. He looks good, and I'm sure it's healthier for him. He did a trial of Weight Watchers, and his daily points allottment is like 65% higher than mine. And does he use those extra points to eat healthy food? Not unless you count muffins and lattes as healthy food.

I pack him lunch just about every day, and I literally give him almost twice as much food as I get to eat. He gets snacks! And when we eat dinner, he can have seconds! And he doesn't even count his points on a daily basis. I'm trying to be supportive, but sometimes life just isn't fair.

Dreams of Orange Chicken

Man, I'm slacking on my posts lately.

I have about five more pounds to go on this diet (and then I will have the perfect body I've always wanted, right? Haha, only if my stomach suddenly becomes flat and my hips and butt fall off). But all I can think about is food...
...Chipotle chips and guacamole
...Panda Express orange chicken
...El Pollo Loco twice grilled burrito

I'm hungry, and I'm tired of eating healthy "filling foods" like lettuce and baby carrots. And I know that I'll stick with it, because jeez, I'm so close already. And tomorrow is my weigh-in day, and then the weekend, when I allow myself to use a few extra "splurge" points. So, I'll make it work, but man am I irritable right now. It's a good thing that Jake and Chris aren't around for me to snap at them (sorry, Brody, you're stuck with me). I think it's time to leave the house and go for a walk. Maybe to the grocery store, where I can drool over ice cream.

Thank you for being a friend...

"I'm addicted to your blog." Pretty much the nicest thing someone can say to me! Thanks everyone, for all of your support. It's nice to know that people can relate. I don't mean for every post to be a bitch-fest, but as I think everyone has already figured out, this is my own form of therapy. It helps me to process my way through some of the things that are taking up space in my thoughts, my worries. And it helps me to be honest with myself about what I'm really feeling and thinking.

Right now, I'm thinking that I still have 10 pounds to go to meet my weight loss goal, and I need to make a trip to the grocery store. Time to look around for some new healthy recipes! Send them this way if you haven't already.  :)

Yum, fried donuts covered in powdered sugar...

And I almost forgot, Happy Birthday to my husband! Chris turned 39 during our vacation. Holy cow, never thought we'd be getting this old (although I have a ways to go before I'm quite that old). When I asked Jake if he knew what comes after 39, he said, "I don't know, you die?" When I told him no, he said, "A googolplex?" So, here's my husband, enjoying his beignets, on the verge of turning a googolplex...

Post-Vacation Blues

Do I only write when I have something to complain about? Let's see if I can make this a little more positive...

We spent the last week in Orlando, Florida, enjoying lots and lots of time at Walt Disney World. Visited the four theme parks on four separate days (Animal Kingdom, Epcot, Magic Kingdom and Hollywood Studios). And in between, several trips to Downtown Disney and the Water Park at our reosrt (complete with water slides, kiddie pool play area and lazy river). Oh, and Chris visited the Kennedy Space Center. Pretty much the most exhausting vacation I can imagine, but we had so much fun. Jake loved playing with his cousins, Brody said "Wow!" at almost every new thing that he saw, Chris got to eat beignets, and we all got to spend cherished time with my family.

Speaking of beignets, spending a week on vacation (and eating food from theme parks) is not easily compatible with weight loss goals. But, I am content with the fact that I only gained back one of the ten pounds I had lost. Walking and pushing a stroller a thousand miles a day probably helps.

So, why the post-vacation blues? Could be that we didn't get home until almost 11pm on Saturday (2am Orlando time), and Jake has not slept well since getting back. (Brody also continues to wake up during the night, but that's nothing unusual for him.) Could be that Jake vomitted all over the bathroom Sunday morning, although he doesn't seem sick other than that and general crankiness. And today was a very rare moment when he said he didn't want to go to school, but I think that's just his own reluctance to leave vacation behind. He even labeled Saturday as "Sad Sadurday" because he didn't want to go back home. Or, more likely, my own blues come from the messy house, piles of laundry, bills to pay, etc. And this is after we spent most of yesterday unpacking and trying to clean up. Yep, it's just Mondays that stink, with the long list of things that need to be done and the next weekend so far away... When's my next vacation?

How much filth can I accumulate in one day?

How come when I step on the scale right before a shower, I always weigh more than I do immediately after the shower? I can be totally nude and do nothing except shower, and I'll find that I lost a pound afterwards, even though my hair is now wet. Do I really have that much dirt, sweat and grime that gets washed away? On a related note, I find that I might be obsessively weighing myself a little too often...

Hara Hachi Bu and Other BS

I didn't quit Weight Watchers. I have to be totally honest, I never thought I would join any sort of weight loss program, so when I did the "free trial" for Weight Watchers a week ago, I never considered that I might actually decide to stick with it. But here I was at dinner tonight, using the mobile app on my iphone to calculate my points and decide whether or not I could have a second helping of soup, or how many croutons I could put in my salad. And the fact that I was doing this was exactly how I figured out that I can't quit yet.

Eat food. Not too much. Mostly Plants.

I lost four pounds. I don't mean for this blog to be all about weight loss, but this has kind of taken over my life this week. We've been eating at home, and fairly healthy meals, but I've found that the hardest part is cutting out snacking and practicing some serious portion control. The Okinawans say "hara hachi bu," which means eat until you feel 80% full. But I have no idea what that really means. Stuffed full? 80% not hungry? That's why I'm currently addicted to my points calculator; I need it to tell me when I'm done because I can't seem to figure out when I should stop on my own.

I was really proud of myself for managing to make every meal at home since we got back from San Diego, and decided we needed to celebrate with a grown-up date night. So Chris and I went out on Sunday for dinner and a movie. We went to Macaroni Grill and got two meals to share between us, the first a relatively healthy meal with grilled chicken and veggies, and the second a delicious pasta, loaded with creamy sauce. I thought it was kind of genius, actually, and got to enjoy some really yummy food while cutting my feelings of guilt in half. And actually, I didn't feel guilty at all since I had saved up all of my "weekly points" as a splurge, and still only went through about a quarter of what I was allotted. But I think Chris might have been happier if we had also gotten some popcorn at the movie theater.

I read Food Rules, an Eater's Manual by Michael Pollan and found it interesting, if not entirely helpful. The book is a collection of 64 rules of thumb related to what and how to eat. Here are a few of my favorites:

Eat food (plants, animals and fungi, not processed, food-like substances)
-Eat only foods that will eventually rot.
-If it came from a plant, eat it; if it was made in a plant, don't.
-It's not food if it arrived through the window of your car.

Mostly plants
-Eating what stands on one leg [mushrooms and plant foods] is better than eating what stands on two legs [fowl], which is better than eating what stands on four legs [cows, pigs and other mammals].
-Eat your colors.
-Don't eat breakfast cereals that change the color of the milk.
-Eat all the junk food you want, as long as you cook it yourself [think about french fries, potato chips, ice cream].

Not too much (slow down, moderate your eating and enjoying it more) 
-Spend as much time eating the meal as it took to prepare it.
-Buy smaller plates and glasses.
-No snacks, no seconds, no sweets- except on days that begin with the letter S.

I don't know how much all of these rules and point calculations are really helping to create long-term success, but I do know that I am at least slowly developing a few healthy habits. And that's what this is all about, right?

Let's Talk Solutions

So, it's been a week since my first post, and I feel like I should talk about what kind of progress I've made. First, my attitude is better (yay!). The baby's still sick (in fact, I found out Wednesday morning that he has another ear infection, which explains why he was so miserable on his birthday). But at least now he's on antibiotics, so although he continues to wipe snot all over the place, he doesn't seem to feel as awful as last week. Today, as we were sitting on the floor, he wiped his nose on the bottom of my shirt. When I lifted it up to determine just how gross it was (bad enough that I need to change my shirt?), he realized that he could see my belly. Wow, fun, mommy's soft, squishy belly! What fun to climb on and squeeze! Look, I can blow raspberries on it! I can cover it back up and then uncover it again, peekaboo! We were both giggling and having a good time. Well, until he bit me, that is, and then I decided having a soft, squishy belly was not such a fun thing after all.

I joined Weight Watchers today. I got an email from Daily Candy that there was a special running until Saturday that I could join and save lots of money, and who can resist that? Well, I really only signed up for the one-week free trial, so I need to remember to cancel before midnight on Monday or else be charged something like $65. But I've been curious about their "points system", so I thought I'd check it out and see if it would be a helpful tool to get me to eat better. (Weight Watchers assigns every food a point value, and you are allotted a certain number of points per day, as well as some extra points for the week for special occasions.) As I was signing up, I was eating a Trader Joe's chicken pot pie, so I figured I'd plug that in and see my point total. I realized before I started that this wasn't the healthiest food choice, but I was still surprised to find out that I was in the process of consuming 17 of my 21 allotted points for the day! Yikes! Now, I have the option of eating "zero points" foods for most of the rest of the day (baby carrots and diet soda, anyone?), or I can accumulate "activity points" by going out and exercising. Wondering just how much exercise I would need to do in order to eat dinner, I decided to check out what going for a walk would earn me. Turns out, if I walk for 30 minutes at a regular pace, I earn one point. I think I need to walk for the next eight hours in order to eat tonight.

Okay, maybe eating healthier is still a little ways off for me. But I am trying to do a better job of at least eating at home (and no take out). I'm pretty certain that I have made more meals at home over the last week than I did in the entire last month. Which is especially impressive considering that we were away for the weekend, so I wasn't cooking anything at the hotel where we stayed. I'm still trying to get the hang of how I am supposed to cook dinner while tending to the baby and the preschooler, at approximately the same time that the baby needs to go down to bed. As I see it, I have two choices. One is to cook dinner earlier in the evening, eat with the kids, and then get them ready for bed. Chris would then eat by himself after he gets home. The other option (which is the one I've been doing), is to feed the kids their own meals first, get them ready for bed, and then cook after the baby is asleep, and eat with Chris after he puts the other one down for bed. But by then, I'm hungry, grumpy, and low on patience. I'm still not sure how to make this work.

I do have one success to share, though. My car is not full of crap! It's still not clean (I'm not going to the car wash when it's been raining every week). And it desperately needs to be vacuumed inside (dried peas and cheerios are everywhere). But other than that, there's nothing that doesn't belong in the car. And I created a system- a bag for trash, and a bag to put all the little stuff that gets collected each day (preschool artwork, baby toys, etc.), so that I can carry it all inside at once, and a notebook to write down all those things that I don't want to forget while in the car. It's helpful because I don't feel like I need to text someone or write an email immediately. And it turns out, if you just stop checking your email every two minutes, sometimes you even forget about it for a whole hour!

In case you were wondering, no, that number on the scale has not changed over the last week. I mentioned that we went away for the weekend. I actually thought that pushing a stroller around the zoo (man, that was a big hill!), swimming, and carrying the baby all around would have been more helpful. But those activity points didn't count for as much as I thought, and apparently it's hard to lose weight when you stuff yourself at Benihana, eat mac 'n cheese and chicken strips at the zoo, and drink lots and lots of coke.

Oh, and since we were away, Brody just would not nurse (too distracted by the new places), so he weaned himself from breastfeeding. Honestly, I was only aiming to do it for a year, so I was ready to be done, too. But I am feeling a little guilty that it happened while he's sick, and a tiny bit nostalgic since I plan for this to be my last baby. And now I'm thinking about those 200-500 calories per day that breastfeeding supposedly burns, and missing that, too. Time for some more walking...

This next week, I need to come up with a plan for cutting soda out of my diet, and making it to the gym. Wish me luck! I'd better go now, so that Brody and I can start our walk. Otherwise, I won't be able to eat dinner until midnight.

Confessions of an Eternal Optimist

Warning: This is going to be long. As anyone who's ever read anything I've ever written can attest, I tend to be wordy.

Today marks the first birthday of my youngest son, Brody. He's grown and learned so much in this last year; he's now starting to walk and even says a few words. He's the cutest thing I have ever seen (don’t tell that to my oldest son). But today, he's miserable due to a bad cold. Runny nose, coughing, sneezing, and unable to sleep. And that means he's making me crazy. I love my baby, but I love him even more when he sleeps. Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for the little guy, but I start to lose patience when nothing I do makes him feel any better. He wants to be held; he wants to be put down. He wants to sleep; he won’t stay asleep. And all of the inconsolable crying really tests my patience. Then I start to get frustrated that I am unable to get anything checked off of my to-do list.

Things I accomplished by noon today:

-I got up.

-I got dressed.

-I packed my four year-old's lunch before sending him off to preschool.

-I sorted the laundry into piles.

I think that was about it. I tried to start washing the dishes, but had to stop to pick up the baby, who just wanted to be held. I tried to start washing the laundry, but had pretty much the same problem there, too. Because we had family and friends come by over the weekend to celebrate the birthday (luckily, before the kid got sick), the house looks like some sort of crazy disaster zone. It is littered with half-deflated balloons everywhere, and the usual minefield of toys strewn about the living room. I find it frustrating that it still looks this way on Tuesday.

Today being Brody's birthday also means it has been exactly one year since I have given birth to him. Perhaps stupidly, I decided it would be a good day to step on the scale. This is something that I have been avoiding for awhile now. First, I should clarify, I have never been a person to really worry about my weight. I don't diet, and I didn't even own a scale for the longest time. It's not that I am perfectly skinny, it's just that I like to think that weight is just a number, and not something to dwell on. I would rather focus on eating healthy foods or staying physically fit. But the sad fact is, even though it's just a number, the higher that number goes, the less likely I am to want to put on a swimsuit. So, how did the weigh-in go? Well, since it's just a number, I won't tell you the exact one. But let's just say that it's more than 20 pounds over what my driver's license says I weigh. If I'm being perfectly honest, even at the time of getting that license, I probably weighed about five pounds more than I said I did. And I currently weigh about five pounds more than I did last summer, when Brody was a few months old, which was about five pounds more than my pre-pregnancy weight, which was about five pounds more than my first pre-pregnancy weight (i.e. before Jake), which... Well, you get the idea, those pounds add up.

But I have excuses. I just had a baby! What, that was a year ago, you say? Well, I'm breastfeeding! What, that's supposed to burn extra calories? Not when you're hungry all the time and consume more calories than it burns. There's never any time for exercising! And the baby cries when I put him into childcare at the gym! And so on, and so on. But the real reason for the weight gain has taken me a year to figure out: I eat when I'm stressed. And babies stress me out. No, not your baby. I actually LOVE babies. There's a reason I work in pediatrics, after all. I can make them smile, giggle, laugh, feed them, change them, play with them. But then I give them back to their parents. With my kids, there's nobody to give them back to. Sure, I can hand the baby off to Chris when he gets home from work at almost eight o'clock at night. But that doesn't change the fact that I am really the one person that is responsible for this child all day, every day. I remember this with Jake, too, when he was a baby. However, I think I was a little less stressed then because at least we had family living nearby. But then my brother and sister-in-law moved back to Arizona. Now, I've got two kids, and no family within 400 miles from here. It's stressful. And I eat.

Why does my list of today's "accomplishments" stop at noon? Because that was about the time that my sad-eyed baby looked up at me, waved, and said, "Bye bye." Instead of choosing to believe that he was telling me to get lost, that he was done with me, I took that to mean that he wanted to get out of the house. He decided it was time for a change in scenery. I decided it was time for a change in my life. So, instead of being grateful for all of the wonderful things in my life (add that to my to-do list for another day), or reflecting back upon all the joys that this last year has brought me (and there are MANY), here's a list of things that I would like to change in my life:

-I don't like the way that I look in a swimsuit. No, it's not really about what the scale says, but they sure go hand-in-hand.

-I'm not physically fit. In fact, I felt worn out just cleaning the windows in preparation for our company this last weekend. I've never had a regular exercise regimen, but once upon a time, I used to go for walks, hikes, rollerblading, yoga, or the gym occasionally. And I know that my lack of physical fitness is related to the back problems that I have experienced since having kids. Actually, I blame the initial problem on bouncing baby Jake to sleep on an exercise ball every day for at least a year. But my lack of hamstring flexibility and core trunk strength doesn't help the back problems, either. I mean, as a physical therapist, I really should be more committed to an active physical lifestyle, right?

-I eat out too often. Well, that's not exactly true. We eat "in" quite often, but always pick up food to bring it home. To be totally honest, I probably only make something at home a handful of times each month (lunch or dinner). This I also blame on the kids, who demand a lot of attention in the evening hours when I should be preparing something for dinner. But really, it's a habit now, and who has time to plan meals, go shopping, cook and clean up afterwards?

-I eat too much fast food. This goes along with the one above, as eating out often leads to going through the drive thru. I hate that I am setting a bad example for my kids. I try to make sure that their meals always include fruits, vegetables and healthy grains. But I don't eat the same things they eat. What is that telling them?

-I don't have a special talent or hobby. My friends are writers, painters, runners, sculptors, photographers, readers. I've never considered myself to be a creative or talented person.

-I spend too much money at Target. I love Target; it's my favorite place to shop. But the problem is that I tend to think of Target as being so reasonably priced, that I can buy just about anything that I find on sale there. Which means that I end up buying too much "stuff" that I didn't really need. I really didn't need to spend that money, or create more clutter in my home and my life, for something that's just going to end up in the landfill eventually.

-I don't do things regularly to make the world a better place. I should volunteer to clean up trash along the beach, feed the homeless and help underprivileged kids, but I don't.

-I drink too much soda.

-I don't always use my re-useable bags.

-I spend too much time on the computer.

-I check my email and Facebook while driving. It's usually at red lights, but still, it's probably unnecessary since I just checked it five minutes ago, right before leaving the house.

-I don’t always tell my husband how much I appreciate him.

My brother thinks that (in general) I have unrealistically high expectations. I like to think of myself as an eternal optimist. I mean, I know I can't change everything overnight, but I can make changes, right? So, I am putting this out there now. This is my list, an inventory of things that I would like to change over the next year. My "New Year's Resolutions", created on the anniversary of my baby's birth. I will try to write about them regularly, if nothing else, just as a reminder to hold myself accountable. I know that I should frame it in terms of positive, measureable goals (i.e. instead of "Drink less soda", I should say, "I will drink eight glasses of water everyday", which will give me less opportunities to drink soda). But that's not how I work. Maybe someday I'll get around to writing actual goals, but for now, a list will have to suffice. Because that's what I'm good at.

So, where did Brody and I go when we left the house at noon? Well, it was lunchtime, so we went to Chipotle to eat, and then to Target. Hey, there was nothing yummy in the house, and I was just about out of laundry detergent. Change sometimes comes gradually. But, once we got home, we did go for a long walk and watched the airplanes. I didn't walk super fast or super far, but I was pushing the stroller, and walked long enough that I was tired and a little sweaty. And then I still had to turn around and walk back home. The people on the airplanes were going somewhere different, so why can't I? It's a start. We'll see where this goes.

I warned you ahead of time that this was going to be long. Oh yeah, and Happy Birthday, Brody. I hope you're feeling better very soon.