If Fiber Makes You Gassy, Please Keep It To Yourself

I was reading the latest post from the Creative Junkie (Andrea Chamberlain), who recently lost 40 pounds while on Weight Watchers. Which inspired me to write about some of the things that I  have been eating that have helped me lose 25 pounds (slightly less remarkable than her total, but still no tiny feat).

I should make a disclaimer first. To be honest, my weight loss wasn't really so much about what I ate, but more about what I DIDN'T eat. What I mean to say is, of course I (mostly) cut out the obvious high-calorie, not so healthy stuff like potato ships, ice cream, soda, and baked goods. And I tried to cook at home, making healthier meals with more vegetables and fruit. But mostly, I ate real food while maintaining some serious portion control (i.e. staying within my allotted Weight Watchers points).

With that being said, I know I have been posting recipes for meals here, but I think it might be helpful to list some of the snacks I have been eating while trying to lose weight. Oh, and don't expect me to be half as funny as the above-referenced post; Andrea is inappropriate and totally hilarious. But, here goes.

First, I did not drink a butt-load of water, as so many others profess to do when dieting. (By the way, I still dislike the idea of dieting, or at least calling it a diet. But, having spent the last three months on Weight Watchers and trying to live on only 19-21 points per day (my allotment went down as I lost weight), I must admit that I was sometimes hungry, and I cannot deny that I was dieting. But, as usual, I digress.) I realize that water is a healthy drink, and for some people, it may help them to feel less hungry. For me, it just helps me to feel bloated, which is not a pleasant state to be in. Besides, if you read this article, it talks about a review published in the American Journal of Physiology that found no evidence that people need to drink the often-recommended eight glasses of water per day. In fact, it dispels several myths, like "by the time you're thirsty, you're already dehydrated," "dark urine means dehydration," and "coffee, tea and soda don't count towards your hydration requirement." None of those appears to be true. Realistically, my 19-point daily allotment didn't give me much room to drink beverages with a points value. So yes, I cut out almost all other drinks besides water, and yes by default I ended up drinking slightly more water. But really, not so much.

I did, however, drink some diet drinks. I have always HATED diet soda and thought that if I had to resort to drinking diet, then it wouldn't be worth drinking soda at all. Which I still mostly agree with. But sometimes, you just need something other than water. Cue the Coca-Cola Zero Cherry. I think Coke Zero tastes the most like regular soda of any diet drink. No, it's not quite the same, and it tastes kind of flat in comparison. But the cherry flavor is the most drinkable diet I have tasted. How's that for a half-hearted endorsement? More recently, I have also started drinking some of the Sobe Lifewater Zero drinks, and I am definitely not in love with them, but they don't have the same gross STRONG artificial sweetener taste that most diet drinks do. And hey, a zero points pick-me-up is sometimes just what one needs to get through the day.

Nabisco 100 calorie snacks Mr. Salty Milk Chocolate Covered Pretzels. A delicious mix of sweet and salty, each of the 6 packs per box gives you just enough pretzels to satisfy the snacking urge. For just two Weight Watchers points, I get a delicious afternoon pick-me-up to keep me from turning into a starving, angry bitch before dinner. But they're apparently not for everyone, since Jake (who loves both pretzels and chocolate) won't touch them. Yay, more for me!

Reduced Fat Wheat Thins (Original, French Onion, or Garlic and Herbs). Are they as good as the regular ones? I have no idea. As far as I'm concerned, crackers are just a crunchy vessel for things that you want to dip them in- egg salad, soup, hummus. These ones taste fine, and you get 16 crackers for just two points.

Fiber One Bars Oats and Chocolate. The way that Weight Watchers calculates points involves some formula that takes into account the number of calories and grams of fat (more = more points), and the grams of fiber (more fiber = less points). No, the Fiber One bars aren't so yummy that I would eat them if I wasn't dieting, but at just two points each, they could fill me up for awhile. And for someone that never used to eat breakfast at all, they made an okay morning meal that I didn't get tired of eating everyday. Along the same line of adding more fiber to my diet, I found that it was super easy to switch to whole grain pasta and brown rice instead of white. Add more fiber, fill up your tummy, and bring down the Weight Watchers points values. It's win-win-win. But if too much fiber makes you gassy, then I can't help you there. Maybe not a win for everyone, after all.

Watchers Ice Cream Candy Bar. I suppose they can't call these Snickers bars for obvious reasons, but it's pretty much what they are. Made with a reduced fat ice cream substitute, of course, but so yummy that I could eat several a day. However, since they are three Weight Watchers points each (and not cheap, by the way), I can't really eat several a day, however much I would like to. These are a snack that I would eat even when not dieting. Some people also swear by Skinny Cow desserts (single-serve ice creams, sandwiches, cones, bars), and I tried several of those. They were surprisingly better than I expected, but in my mind don't hold a candle to the Ice Cream Candy Bar.

Unfortunately, I have to report that I never did not find a magic salad dressing, i.e. a low-fat, low-calorie delicious concoction that would make lettuce actually taste good. Although I tried several light dressings from Newman's Own (Balsamic Vinaigrette, Italian), a couple of different fat-free ranch dressings, and even Salad Spritzers (which taste like very watered-down salad dressing), at best they were just tolerable. My tastes run towards a full-calorie ranch dressing, but since those can be five to seven points for a two-tablespoons serving, I may never eat ranch again. So, I'm still in search of the perfect salad dressing, although I currently have about seven imperfect options in the fridge.

Now, I realize that most of this stuff goes against the advice of Michael Pollan's Food Rules (read my previous post for a review of sorts). Diet soda, reduced-fat foods, and anything that is artificially sweetened would be hard pressed to be counted as a "real food." Yes, I should be increasing the amount of fresh fruits and veggies in my diet, and I have. Significantly. In fact, one of my most frequent snacks was five baby carrots and/or a quarter of an apple at a time (which is the most you can eat and still count it as zero points. Cheating? Maybe.) But it's hard to change my junk food-loving ways. Baby steps.

Again with the TMI

Those of you who read my previous post, Maybe Not Unthinkable, But Defnitely Unpleasant, know that I recently found out that it's time to strengthen my pelvic floor! In keeping with my full-disclosure policy so far, I figured I'd add one more thing to my "list" of stuff to fix. So, here it is.

My kegel exercise plan is to do a set of 10 (work up to holding each one for 10 seconds) when:

• Brushing my teeth (standing up)
• At red lights (sitting)
• In bed, just before getting up in the morning and going to sleep at night (laying down)

Okay, now the hard part is sticking with it long enough to see some results...

Maybe Not Unthinkable, But Definitely Unpleasant

I went to a kickboxing class at the YMCA this morning. That makes two days in a row that I put Brody into Child Watch and got a workout. Yay, me. Which probably means that I won't go again for the next six months. (At least, that's how it usually works.) But I do fully intend to keep this up...

Let me back up. Since I started Weight Watchers three months ago, I have lost almost 25 pounds and made it down to my goal weight. Yay, me! I am back below where I was before getting pregnant with Jake. I weigh what my driver's license says I weigh! I kinda thought that was never going to happen. Really, when I set that goal weight, I never thought I was actually going to reach it.

I ditched my everyday jeans awhile ago, and went down to my thinner ones. They're currently being held up by a belt, but it ain't pretty. So, I ordered some new jeans from Gap online (I love my Long and Leans, and I use our Gap Visa card for almost all of our purchases so that I can earn rewards points to spend at Gap. And if I order online, it lets me combine promotions, which they don't let me do in the store, so the jeans ended up costing me almost nothing.) Anyhow, before I digress into a full-on Gap commercial, let me tell you that I ordered the jeans in the next size down, and they arrived in the mail yesterday. And I think they're still too big.

All good news (well, except that I had to go back to the store and try to exchange my jeans). So I went to Gap to try on the jeans, and found that the next size down really did fit better. Feeling crazy, I decided to try the next size down from there. They were too small. I could button them, though, which was a nice surprise, but clearly they were not the size that I should be wearing, which I was totally okay with. So, apparently, I wear precisely half the size I used to wear, or half the size of the jeans that I squeezed into on my "skinny" days. (I am going back and forth as to whether or not I should just write what size this is, but I think I'm gonna stick with "not" in order to avoid alienating any people that fit into one of two groups: a) those that will read it and think, "She only wears a size X? That skinny bitch has no right to complain about anything!" and b) those that will think, "She still wears a size X? And she thinks that she should look good in a swimsuit?")

Which brings me to what happened next: I decided to try on a swimsuit. I must have been feeling cocky about my jean size (I know it's just a number, but it was such a nice, low number!). I say cocky because I have always, always hated swimsuit shopping; it's one of the worst things that a female has to experience. In the past, I have gone into fitting rooms with a dozen or more swimsuits, only to eventually emerge with maybe one that didn't make me want to kill myself. On a really good day. I don't know what possessed me to try it on a swimsuit on this day, but I did.

I fully expected to be less-than-thrilled about my nowhere-near-flat stomach. I've had two babies, and I am beginning to accept the fact that my stomach may never recover, no matter what I weigh. I'm trying to accept it, so I found a black (dark colors make you look smaller) tankini (to hide the tummy) that looked super cute on the hanger. And I picked out a larger size in the bottom than the top, because I was trying to be realistic. And it fit. But it made me want to cry. My bruised legs (I don't know why I bruise SO easily, but I do), my not-smooth thighs, my butt chunks hanging out of the swimsuit (Jake coined the term "butt chunks" and I still like it better than butt cheeks). And I have no boobs. Seriously, of the 25 pounds that I lost, I think 10 of them came from my boobs. And those of you that know me, know that my boobs never weighed 10 pounds, even during the pregnancy or breast feeding stages. So, they currently weigh about negative five pounds, give or take.

Needless to say, I did not buy the swimsuit. I tried not to sink into a depression because I really, really don't want to have body image issues. I just want to go back to being very happy about all the weight that I lost and how much better I'm looking in regular clothes. Or even nude. Just not in a swimsuit, apparently.

So I got to thinking. Is this really as good as it gets for me? I'm not getting any younger, and I have had two kids. I don't really want to lose any more weight, and in fact, Weight Watchers won't let me lose more than a couple more pounds before I would be considered "unhealthy" for my height. I know that I haven't been going to the gym, but I have been walking much more (while pushing a stroller, or even some days a double stroller with more than 40 pounds in it). I went through a period where I was exercising pretty regularly at home- sit ups, push ups, leg lifts, stretching, etc.- although I have kind of let that fall by the wayside over the last few weeks. And I'm eating much healthier. So I should be much healthier, right? And more physically fit?

Well, I decided that I needed to make it over the next hurdle, and actually head to the gym to find out. Yesterday, I spent some time on the stationary bike and then the elliptical machine. (BTW- Brody did not love being in the Child Watch program, but he tolerated it, well enough that I figured I could head back the next day.) I felt really good after exercising, and was experiencing an endorphin high well into the afternoon. But I was starving. Seriously, I only earned a few WW activity points by exercising, but I think I ate an extra 10. Kind of works against the goal of maintaining my current weight, but whatever. Maybe I just need to workout more regularly to get used to it.

Today, I decided to be even more adventurous and return to the kickboxing class that kicked my butt the last time I went, which was almost exactly a year ago. The one that is led by an ex-Marine who apparently NEVER tires. And I learned a few things about myself. I am really not in any better shape than I was a year ago. THAT was a huge disappointment. And, there are some things about my body that have not recovered from pregnancy. For those of you that have not given birth to two children vaginally, this may be TMI. But I know that some of you will understand when I say that I cannot do jumping jacks without peeing my pants. THAT was a surprise, and not a pleasant one. But, I figure it could be worse (if you don't believe me, check out this hilarious but slightly depressing post from another mom, And Then The Unthinkable Happened).

So, what does this mean? It means that, although I have reached what I thought was the magic number on the scale, I haven't actually met my goal of being fit, healthy, and satisfied with how I look in a swimsuit. It means that I have more work to do. And I'm okay with that, because I know that I'm still working on establishing more healthy habits that make my feel good about myself. (Even if I'm not okay with peeing my pants.)

Checking off my list

In case you missed them from my previous post, here's the list I made last week of my 10 Personal Commandments:

• Act how I want to feel
• Accept others for who they are
• Don't keep score
• Say "thank you"
• Practice active listening
• Get outside everyday
• Lighten up
• Do it now
• Get enough sleep
• Choose happiness

I have been working on my daily checklist to see how well I am doing at following my own rules (yes, it's an actual checklist that I mark everyday; I need a way to hold myself accountable). When do I get credit for each one? Well, since the point is for me to actively think about making changes (and I realize that I am still learning and not perfect), I give myself a check if I find myself stopping to think and applying one of my resolutions at any point during the day. So, maybe I didn't say "thank you" at every opportunity during the day, but if I did specifically remember to do it at some point during the day, then I give myself credit.

So far, I'm averaging about 80% per day. Which isn't bad. But, considering my criteria of having to do each thing only once per day, I really feel like I should be able to achieve 100% more consistently.

I'm having a really hard time with "Get enough sleep"- I have done that less than half the time. Sometimes, it's a good excuse, like I was out on a date with my hubby, and then got up with the baby in the morning and let the hubby sleep in. But, most of the time, my excuse is something along the lines of we have to finish this marathon series finale of LOST because I can't wait one more day to find out how it ends! Luckily, we're hitting the end of television season and I don't have any new shows planned for watching during the summer season. Hopefully I can start to do a little better with getting to bed at a good time.

I'm also not doing as well as I expected with my resolve to "Get outside everyday". I don't know why this is so hard for me, except that there always seems to be something else that is more important, like running errands or cooking or cleaning. Maybe I need to set aside a certain time of each day to go for a walk? Or maybe I need to plan a weekly schedule at the beginning of each week, with new places to visit?

The ones that I have done well are "Act how I want to feel", "Practice active listening", and "Choose happiness". Three of the most important ones, so now I just need to work on doing them more consistently throughout the day.

Oh, and I found some help with my commandment to "Do it now". Once again, from Gretchen Rubin's Happiness Project: her One-Minute Rule. It's simple: if a task can be done in a minute or less, it must be done immediately. Coming in from the car: instead of throwing my jacket down next to my purse, hang it up immediately. Sort mail and discard junk mail as soon as it comes into the house. After finishing up a snack: put the bowl in the dishwasher. Checking email: if it'll take less than a minute, respond immediately. Make the bed in the morning. Put away my shoes. Wipe off the bathroom mirror. The idea is that all of these little tasks get taken care of right away, instead of building up until the whole mess seems unmanageable. And theoretically, this will leave extra time for some of those bigger tasks that there's never enough time for. Honestly, I'm not sure if it's working for me yet, but it's an interesting mindset. I think if I started with a clean house, this might work a little better, so I'll have to get back to you next week, once I've had the chance to get some cleaning done.

Food Waste Friday and Updates

Here's my food waste from this week. Actually, I don't think it's quite as bad as it looks. About a quarter of container of raspberries- it makes me a little sad that we couldn't get to all of them before they got really mushy and then moldy. I learned that I should not buy fresh fruit right before the weekend (at least nothing that will spoil quickly), because we don't eat enough snacks and meals at home to use it up before it goes bad (seriously, they were gross by Monday). A small scoop of mashed potatoes- I meant to feed those to Brody since I thought he would like them, but apparently forgot about them in the back of the fridge. A slice of pizza- I blame Jake for that since it was his pizza, and he refuses to eat leftovers. He says, "Leftovers make my head hurt."

All of the other little containers were ones that I just recently pulled out of the freezer. As I was packing lunches for Jake and Chris this week, I started to wonder what had happened to all of our little plastic bowls. Then I remembered that a few months ago, I decided to make homemade baby food for Brody. Which he refused to eat. I tried feeding them to him again this week, and when he refused, I tried to get our friend Delaney (who's 17-months old) to eat them. No luck there, either. I guess I am just not a good baby food maker. So, those are the containers of pureed carrots, sweet potatoes, peas, white beans and bananas which the babies would not eat.

We did manage to eat up a lot of other leftovers, though, so I am happy for that. Well, mostly happy- there were a couple more things that maybe should have made it into the food waste picture. Trying out a new recipe, I cooked way too much pasta salad with chicken and veggies at the beginning of last week, right before Chris went to Canada for a few days. (I swear it was really yummy, though- check out the recipe at the end of this post). I just couldn't eat that all myself and grew tired of pasta salad everyday. When Chris returned, I sent the rest of it to work with him in a to-go container, with instructions to find a homeless person to donate it to (he works on Hollywood Boulevard, I'm pretty sure that would be an easy task). I haven't asked him about it yet, but I really doubt he did it. My guess is that it's currently going bad in the refrigerator at his work. (Edit: Chris read this post and was offended. Although I meant to imply that I probably did a poor job by making too much food, and likely wasted more food than I was accounting for, he took it to mean that I thought he did a poor job and wasted the food by not giving it away. Actually, he gave the pasta salad to the janitor (custodian? does that sound better?) at work.)

And then there were some chicken wings from Fresh Brothers, which Chris ate even though they were more than a week old, and had sat out on his desk at work when he didn't eat the lunch that I packed for him one day. That night, he was vomiting and didn't make it to work the next day. I still don't think it was food poisoning since Jake had the same issue a few days before (and threw up on Chris in the middle of the night), and I just had the same problem a few days later. But still, it's making me a little wary of leftovers past their prime.

Along with clearing out leftovers, I've also been cleaning out other clutter lately, namely in my email inbox. I get a ridiculous amount of email each day, and a lot of it is just junk. Which I can quickly delete, but it still takes up time, especially since I compulsively check my email just about every time my phone notifies me of a new message. So, it's been taking far more time than just deleting it, but I've been unsubscribing from all of the lists that I should never have gotten on in the first place. Even the ones that go directly to my "spam" folder, since I also spend time checking that, just to make sure that an important email didn't accidentally get directed there. Hopefully, this will eventually save me time in the long run. But, I'm even more proud of the fact that I have cleaned out the non-junk from my inbox, too! I try to respond to emails pretty quickly, but I have a habit of saving tons of emails- things I want to remember to check into, things that I have found interesting, things that I think I may need to refer back to. And then they just sit there in my inbox forever, and I have to scan through them each time to figure out which ones are ones that I still need to respond to. So, instead I created a few sub folders for emails that I really do need to save, and deleted the rest. Now, I have only three emails in my inbox- two which are work-related things that I need to take care of, and one about plans for this weekend. And I can just open my email and see in a glance what's new and what I need to complete.

Also, an update about my attempt to stop checking email in the car- I have finally made some progress there. I have made it a habit to check my email right before I leave the house, so that I won't be as tempted to do so in the car. And then, if I find myself still tempted, I borrowed a Learn Spanish CD from the library, so I just turn that on to distract me. Honestly, I don't think I'm learning much, but it's keeping me safer.  :)

As for my 10 Personal Commandments, my anal-retentive self decided that I needed more of a reminder, and a way to hold myself accountable for actually following them. So I made a checklist with all 10 of them in columns across the top of the page, and then a row for each day of the month. I checked off 70% of them yesterday. I hope to do better today.

In case you're interested, here's that pasta salad recipe from my friend Debi, with a couple of little things that I altered. I wish I had taken a picture to share with you- it's quite colorful and pretty. It makes A LOT, so feel free to cut the recipe in half to avoid food waste.  ;)

Pasta Salad with Chicken and Veggies
(8 servings, 6 WW points each)

• 1 ½ cups broccoli, florets, steamed
• 1 ½ cups cauliflower florets, steamed
• 1 cup asparagus, steamed
• 1 package (12 oz) vegetable radiatore (spiral) pasta from Trader Joe's, cooked per package instructions (or any other spiral pasta will do, but this three-color one is fun!)
• 1 cup shredded carrots
• ½ cup sweet red pepper (if desired, I may leave this out next time)
• ½ cup grated Parmesan cheese
• 2 cloves garlic
• ½ tsp black pepper, or to taste
• 2 cups cooked boneless, skinless chicken breast, chopped
• ½ cup Newman’s Own Salad Dressing, Balsamic Vinaigrette

Steam cauliflower, broccoli, and asparagus. Cook pasta per package instructions. Toss all ingredients together and refrigerate. Makes about 8 servings (1 ½ cups each).

Choosing Happiness, My 10 Personal Commandments

I'm tired of fighting, nagging and feeling exasperated at home, mostly with my kids, but also sometimes with my husband. No, it's not all the time, but it feels like it's far more often than it should be. Inspired by The Happiness Project, I've been working on a list of personal commandments to help with this. These are different, and far more general than my original list of things that I wanted to change over this year (my "original" resolutions from the first blog posting, like losing weight, eating healthier and getting more exercise). These new commandments are more like inspirations for ways to live. For now, here's my list (BTW, I hope I am not just blatantly stealing too much from Gretchen Rubin, but I have found her approach quite inspiring lately):

1. Act how I want to feel-
“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”
-Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh

In my mind, "Act how I want to feel" has two meanings; the first connotation being that I can empower myself to act happy, which will in turn help me to actually be happier, and the second being that I should treat others how I want to be treated myself.

Let me clarify- I don't think that unhappiness has no purpose, and that you should repress your true emotions in order to "make" yourself act happy. I think if you're feeling unhappy about something, it's worth examining those feelings in order to determine what changes can be made. I mean, that's what prompted me to start blogging in the first place, and to resolve to make changes in my life. But sometimes, you really can just "choose happiness." It's been shown that simply smiling has actual health benefits, such as boosting the immune system, lowering blood pressure, releasing endorphins and reducing stress, not to mention helping to improve your mood and being contagious to those around you. So, why not practice smiling, if it's good for me and can actually make me happier?

The second meaning of "Act how I want to feel" is little more than The Golden Rule of "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." I'm not talking about this in the sense of being a good Samaritan, but more in terms of my own everyday relationships. If I want my marriage to be sweet and romantic, then I must make an effort to do the little things that make it so. This doesn't come naturally to me, but I'm trying to be more thoughtful and anticipate needs. When Chris took the red eye to Canada, I surprised him with a travel pillow, wrapped up and put in his backpack with a little note. Yesterday, he was home sick from work, and I downloaded the new Jack Johnson album to add to his iPhone play list. (Okay, that one's also for my benefit, but still, Jack always makes me feel better.) This morning, it was apple pancakes for breakfast. These little things are important, maybe more important than the "big" events like birthdays- people enjoy unexpected treats more than expected ones. But I find it harder to do the little things on a daily basis. I mean, I feel like I do a ton of things for our entire family- cooking and cleaning and laundry and taking care of the kids. All day, every day. But those are definitely not the things that romance is made of. Sometimes it's hard to find the energy for anything more, but I think it's important to try. Hopefully being more thoughtful on my part will inspire others to reciprocate, but I must try to do it without keeping score (see Commandment 3).

2. Accept others for who they are-
"We all should know that diversity makes for a rich tapestry, and we must understand that all the threads of the tapestry are equal in value no matter what their color."
-Author Maya Angelou

In theory, I am all for celebrating diversity, and valuing the uniqueness of each individual. So, why then does it drive me crazy when people don't act the way that I think they should? I get frustrated, or even angry when people (like my husband and children) don’t do what I want them to do, when I want them to do it, and how I want them to do it. It drives me crazy that Chris does everything so slowly, and not how I would do it! He's always late for everything, and can't estimate how long anything is going to take him. He doesn't make decisions quickly, when I want an answer immediately. Even stupid little things like not being efficient in how he gets ready in the morning, or not changing lanes when he's driving. Or the worst, when we're playing back a TV show on the dvr and he doesn't get the commercial skip just right. ;) Why do these things drive me crazy, and why to I still try to change these things about him, even after almost 11 years of marriage?

I have a couple of theories about why these things irritate me. One, I can be a bit of a perfectionist. I would rather do everything myself than have it done not up to my standards (and my highest standard always seems to be efficiency- if something is done well, but slowly, it still drives me crazy). But I also get frustrated about "having to do everything myself," even though I know that it's my own fault. I think it really boils down to a need/desire for control.

The second theory is that the things which we don't like in others are often a reflection of what we don't like about ourselves. I'm not sure if this fits very well in my description about what drives me nuts about Chris, except that I am holding him to the high standard of efficiency to which I hold myself. Let me give you another example with Jake. He's bossy. When he wants to do something at preschool lately, he doesn't ask the teachers (and give them the opportunity to say, "no" or "not right now"), but instead tells the other kids that it's time to do it, like turning on the hose and starting water play. Yes, I can frame this in terms of the positive, and be grateful for his leadership qualities and his great ideas. And I am really proud of him. But, I also get frustrated when he thinks that he gets to make all of the rules and decisions, and doesn't automatically listen to the adult who is in charge. Am I really concerned about Jake, or am I more concerned that his bossiness is a reflection of my own?

Either way, accepting others for who they are is a really difficult thing for me. And that difficulty definitely leads to some of the nagging in our house. I know that I cannot change Chris to do things more efficiently and to be on time, as people can only change themselves. I can continue to feel exasperated, or I can laugh and say, "That's who he is." And more importantly, I shouldn't want him to change, as I should be able to accept my husband and kids for who they are, and and love them unconditionally. In the end, I can only change myself (and the way I let it affect me).

3. Don't keep score-
"When one loves, one does not calculate.”
-Saint Therese of Lisieux

In my head, I am always thinking things like, "I cooked dinner and did the dishes, the least Chris could do is take out the trash without me needing to ask." Or, "I took care of these kids all day long, HE really should be able to put them down to bed without my help." But do I ask him to help with something specific? No, I just get mad when he doesn't automatically do it, or resent him for not doing it as well (or quickly) as I would have.

On her Happiness Project blog, Gretchen writes about "unconscious overclaiming". Here's how it's explained: "It turns out that we unconsciously overestimate our contributions relative to other people's. Because we know and value our own contributions, we exaggerate how much we've contributed and undervalue what other people do. In one study, when business-school students in a work group estimated their individual contributions to the team effort, the total was 139%." I'm trying to use this info to remember that I probably do a lot of unconscious overclaiming, or maybe don't even notice the things that Chris contributes (as I'm sure he doesn't always notice all that I do). I will try not to "keep score," and to remember that we each contribute in different ways. And if I feel like I need help, ask nicely.

4. Say thank you-
"I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder."
-Writer Gilbert Keith Chesterton

I'm trying to remember to say "thank you" for the little things, and to remember to actually BE thankful (mentally). Doesn't it feel good when someone notices something that you've done and said thanks? It's also something that I've learned in parenting, that if you want to reinforce a certain behavior, it helps to give very specific praise. So, instead of saying, "Good job" when Jake cleans up his toys, I can say, "Thank you for picking up your toys. The house looks much cleaner, and now I'm not stepping on toys when I walk through the living room." Or telling Chris, "I really appreciate that you took out the trash tonight. It was starting to bug me that it was overflowing, and you allowed me extra time to answer emails. Now I'm ready for us to spend time together."

Remembering to say thank you also reminds me of how much I have to be thankful for. I've recently started a Gratitude Journal- writing down the little things that I appreciate each day. You know, freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, something funny that Jake said, an old favorite song that randomly came up on shuffle. Just thinking about those things makes me feel a little happier, and writing them down gives me something to  reflect back on later as a reminder. It's also a reminder that life is not about being efficient, multi-tasking, and checking things off my to-do list. I need to slow down, look around, appreciate beauty and live in the moment.

5. Practice active listening-
“The first duty of love is to listen.”
-Philosopher Paul Tillich

It's easy to only half listen, especially to my children. I can be so busy trying to do everything at once- cooking dinner while cleaning up the kitchen as I go, or checking my email while letting the kids play in the bathtub- that I don't take the time to really listen to them, while Brody's telling me that he's hungry or Jake's telling me about his day at preschool. And then what happens? That's when they start splashing in the bathtub to get my attention, or arguing over having to share toys. Or Brody starts pulling all of the dirty dishes out of the dishwasher and throwing them on the floor. It's a reminder for me to stop what I am doing, and come down to their level. To listen to their words and observe their body language. To "listen" for feelings and reflect them back ("Wow, it sounds like you were feeling really frustrated about that."). To ask for clarification, and show empathy. And to figure out what it is that they are really trying to express- whether it's a need for connection (my attention), independence (he wanted to be able to do that himself), or choice (he wanted to eat something else for dinner). Sometimes, especially when my kids are having conflicts with one another, it's easy to quickly skip to trying to "solve" their problems, when sometimes all they really need is for me to listen while they express emotions. Instead, I should be trying to do a better job of asking questions and encouraging them to talk. It's amazing how competent they can already be in solving their own problems.

Active listening is something that I need to do better in my marriage as well. Chris doesn't often talk about how he's feeling or what's going on at work. Usually, he says that he has too much stress at work and he just wants to forget about it by the time he gets home. But, there are times when he's grumpy and I know that he's thinking about work. And I've also noticed that I go into "problem solving mode" the infrequent times that he does talk to me about work. I really just mean to be helpful, but it's quite presumptuous of me to imply that I could solve his work problems. And I think what he really needs is just to be heard, to "get it off his chest." I need to remember that active listening is not about solving problems for someone else, but just about hearing the other person and reflecting back their feelings.

6. Get outside everyday-
"Today I have grown taller from walking with the trees."
-Poet Karle Wilson Baker

Maybe some people are happy to stay home all day in their pajamas, but I have come to realize that I am not one of those people. Since I am not working much, it would be quite possible for me to stay at home almost the entire day (until picking Jake up from preschool). But it doesn't put me in a very good mood, and I find myself running errands just to get out of the house some days. What I've recently realized though, is that it can really improve my outlook to get outside and spend a little time in nature. Walking. Getting some exercise. We live in such a beautiful part of the world, where I can visit the beach, pier, boardwalk, mountains, parks, all within just a short drive. I need to remember to take advantage of the perfect-almost-everyday weather of Los Angeles, and head outdoors.

7. Lighten up-
"Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth."
-Writer Mark Twain

A good way to have more fun is to act more fun. It definitely works with my kids. If I'm laughing, they're laughing- whether we're wrestling and tickling, blowing raspberries, or making funny faces and sounds. Sometimes it's hard to remember to play everyday. Act silly. Play music (loudly) and sing along. Dance. I want to be the mom that plays in the sand, jumps in the puddles, and does cartwheels in the grass. Much has been written about the importance of play in child development, but I think it's just as important in parent development.

8. Do it now-
"One of these days is just a day of the weak."
-Motivational Speaker Greg Hickman

I don't consider myself a big procrastinator. Not that I don't ever put things off until tomorrow, but I do prefer to tackle things on my to-do list sooner rather than later. But there are some things that I just ignore, somehow thinking that they will fix themselves. Like sleep training the baby. He's sleeping better through the night (most nights), but it's still so difficult to get him down to sleep in the first place. And I've been saying forever that it's time to do something about it. But there's always an excuse- he's sick (or seems like he's coming down with something), we have people visiting, or we're about to go out of town. But the reality is, I'm afraid that if we change anything, it will actually get worse for awhile, and I just don't want to deal with losing more sleep (even if it's only temporary). He's now 15 months old, and if we had started sleep training months ago, this would be a non-issue, and we would have saved so many more hours of sleep for him and ourselves in the long run.

Another example: the curtain rod. The walls of our house are made out of plaster. Which, it turns out, is very crumbly. When we screw something into the wall, we have to use anchors to make it actually stay, and even that doesn't always work well. We have a curtain rod in our extra room that is starting to sag. It's just not well anchored into the wall. To the extent that, if one of the kids yanked on the curtain, the whole rod would probably fall down on his head. And almost everyday, I see this and it annoys me. But it's been weeks, and still I have not gotten around to fixing it. The problem is that I'm not entirely sure how I'll fix it, without removing the whole thing and drilling new holes in different places. If I had just taken care of it weeks ago, it would no longer be an issue, but instead, it's something that bugs me almost every day.

One website that I have found very helpful is FlyLady.net, a site that offers support and advice for decluttering, establishing better habits and routines, and maintaining a tidier home, especially for people living in "CHAOS" (can't have anyone over syndrome). Sometimes, the task seems too overwhelming, and those of us that are perfectionists don't ever both to start since we know we won't have the time to do the task to our standards. FlyLady encourages "babysteps" to start slowly and establish new routines. She also maintains that you can do anything for 15 minutes, so set a timer to get started, and when the timer goes off you stop, even if you didn't finish the task. In all likelihood, you'll realize that there's a lot that you can accomplish in a short amount of time, and even if it's not perfect, at least there is progress. Perfectionism leads to procrastination, and there's no time like the present to get started.

9. Get enough sleep-
"Sometimes the most productive thing one can do is to sleep.”
-Anonymous

Most adults don't get as much sleep as they need on a daily basis, and numerous studies have highlighted the health problems associated with a lack of sleep. (See a recent post from my friend Vince which discusses the importance of sleep.) A study from the University of Michigan found that getting more sleep can also improve your happiness. “Making $60,000 more in annual income has less of an effect on your daily happiness than getting one extra hour of sleep a night,” according to study author Norbert Schwarz, PhD. Almost anything is easier when you've gotten enough sleep- including practicing active listening, being playful, or tackling an unpleasant project. My difficulty is in getting myself to go to bed at a decent time. I can be yawning and ready for sleep at 7:00, while I'm getting the kids ready for bed. But later, my second wind comes, and I don't want to go to bed.  It's hard to give up that time of night when the kids are asleep, and I can choose for myself anything that I want to do, uninterrupted. But I definitely pay for it the next day.

10. Choose happiness-
“What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.”
-Novelist Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

Yes, I realize that I kind of already covered this in my first commandment, "Act how I want to feel." But I think it's the most important one, so it's worth putting it out there again. And, I like that it rounds out the list for a nice, even 10 Personal Commandments. Even if I forget all the others, I just need to remember to "Choose Happiness."

Please Excuse My Soapbox, I Really Just Meant to Give You an Update

It's been 11 weeks and 3 days since I first started this blog. Why am I counting? Well, I wasn't, but then I thought it would be nice to look back and see what kind of changes have happened since I started. It would be nice if it had been a real milestone, like the 3-month mark, or even 12 weeks maybe. I could hold off to post this next Tuesday, but do I really need to wait just because it appeals to my sense of order and perfectionism?

Here's my original list of what I wanted to change, or actually a slightly condensed/edited version:
-Lose weight
-Have a more active lifestyle
-Cook food at home
-Eat healthier food (less fast food)
-Find a hobby
-Spend less money at Target
-Improve the world (volunteer)
-Drink less soda
-Use reusable bags
-Spend less time on the computer
-Stop reading emails, etc. while driving
-Let Chris know that I appreciate him
-Keep my car clean

Well, I've made some improvement in about 85% of those goals, and I would say significant improvement in several of them. But it needs more work. How 'bout a quick assessment? (Okay, okay, I know I'm really unlikely to do it quickly, but here it goes anyhow.)

Lose weight: I think this counts as my biggest success so far. I have lost 21 pounds, and I feel much, much better about how I look. I haven't put on a swimsuit lately, but I can tell you that I could use some new (smaller sized) pants. My goal is still to lose another four pounds, and I'll do it, although it feels like slow going here at the end. But I'm really concerned about whether or not I'll be able to keep it off long term. I've never dieted before in my life, and Weight Watchers tells me that I should think of this as more of a lifestyle change than a diet. But honestly, I don't want to change my life to have to always be thinking about what I ate last and what I can "afford" to eat next without gaining weight. Will I ever be able to stop counting points? I hope so, but I think I've got a long way to go in the "maintenance phase" before I get there.

Active lifestyle: I don't count this one as nearly as much of a success. Yes, I am walking FAR more frequently. I try to take a walk with Brody in the stroller almost every day. But it's usually a short walk, like to the grocery store or Trader Joe's, and it's definitely not a "power walk". I've also been doing about 15 minutes of strengthening exercises at home about four times a week (sit-ups, leg lifts, push-ups, etc.). But I still haven't made it to the gym. Yes, we pay for a gym membership that doesn't really get used. And yes, they have childcare, so it shouldn't be that hard for me to plan time to go during the week. But since the last few times Brody went to the childcare, he cried so much that they had to come get me, I haven't been excited about the idea of bringing him back. I just need to do it, but there's always an excuse, like he has a cold or he's grumpy because it's too close to naptime. I realize it's time to move past the excuses and just give it a try because I'd really like to start going to at least one of the weekly exercise classes that they offer (yoga and kickboxing have been quite fun in the past). I put the classes that sounded good on my calendar, so at least I'll have a reminder that I'm not doing it.

Cook at home AND Eat healthier (less fast food) AND Drink less soda: I think I can safely put these in one category, since they've all been about equally successful. I've been making meals at home usually every weekday, and we go out, or pick up food to bring home only on the weekends. I try to limit eating out on the weekends to no more than one meal per day, but that can be difficult depending on what we have planned for the day. We probably end up having "fast food" close to once a week, and I'm drinking about one to two sodas per week, which is far less than previously. Yes, it's healthier and I'm sure we're saving money. But that doesn't mean that I don't think about eating out every single day. I would gladly have El Pollo Loco for lunch everyday, or have Chris stop to pick up Panda Express on his way home. But the reality is that there is no way that we could do that AND still stay within my allotted 19 points per day. (Yeah, I started with 21, but it turns out you lose WW points as you slim down. Unfair!) We can eat a few meals out on the weekend because I save up my weekly "splurge" points, and even then, I really try to limit the portion sizes (kid's meals or sharing meals often works). I have simplified cooking at home so that it's now much easier, and I have several meals that can be put together in about 15 minutes or even less. I cook extra so that we have leftovers for lunches, and we usually have leftovers for dinner a couple of nights a week as well. It's going really well, but I still like eating out. I guess that's just one of those things where I will always have to limit myself.

And all of this cooking at home hasn't really helped Jake's eating habits. Since I wait to eat dinner with Chris after he gets home, we usually don't eat until after we put the boys down for bed. So yes, I make a separate meal for my picky eater every night, which is almost always chicken nuggets, macaroni and cheese, bean and cheese burritos, or pepperoni pizza. And yes, that's a topic for a whole other blog.

Find a hobby: Nope, haven't done this one. I'm enjoying this blogging thing, but I don't really stick with it regularly enough to call it a hobby. I read a book (Pride and Prejudice). (BTW, I found it to be quite like a Harlequin romance novel where bickering=foreplay. But then, just when you think it's all going to pay off, there's NO steamy sex scene and the book is over. I felt a little robbed. And actually, I read two books, if you count Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems, which by the way, I haven't solved at all. But again, that's a whole other blog.) I love reading books; I always have. But my problem is that once I pick up a book, I find it very hard to put back down until I've read it all the way through. I could never understand people that read several books simultaneously. Don't you want to know how the first one ends? Don't you get so wrapped up in the characters and their lives that you find everything else in your life a distraction? No? Well, I guess that's just me. So, I don't think reading is the best hobby for me, unless it's okay for me to totally ignore my kids and my husband. Maybe I should take some kind of class- photography or karate or something. I'll have to think on this one.

Spend less at Target: Yeah, I'm not so sure why I set this as a goal in the first place. I don't think of myself as a crazy big spender. I don't like clutter, so I don't buy that much stuff. But I think I have bought slightly less over the last few months, so I guess that's good. But I really would like to lose these last few pounds so that I can go shopping for new clothes. I know I really need to go through my closet first and see what works and what doesn't, but that doesn't sound nearly as fun as a shopping spree.

Improve the world (volunteer): Yeah, I helped with a fundraiser at Jake's preschool, and we raised about $5000, which will go towards updating and beautifying the art studio. Yeah, Jake and I cleaned up an alley in our neighborhood. But that doesn't seem like quite enough.

-Did you know that World Blood Donor Day is on June 14th? Did you know that about 9% of Americans donate blood annually, and that if that number increased by just one percentage, it would be enough to end all national blood shortages in the foreseeable future? If interested in participating on June 14th (or any other day), you can schedule a donation through Red Cross.

-Did you know that Heal the Bay organizes beach clean-up events on the third Saturday of every month? I haven't made it to one yet, but does anyone want to join me on June 19th in Playa Del Rey?

-Did you know that there's this really cool organization called Kiva that works to connect people, through lending, to help alleviate poverty worldwide? You can choose the person you would like to loan money to, and give as little as $25. The repayment rate is over 98%, and when you get your money back, you can choose to loan it to someone else or cash out. We recently invested in Ernestina Sequeira Morales, a grandmother and janitor in Nicaragua who is trying to make improvements to her roof before the rainy season, so that her grandaughter (who lives with her) can "grow up in a pleasant atmosphere".

-Did you know that "kitten season" has begun? This is the time of year when there is an overabundance of stray kittens brought into local animal shelters, where they just don't have enough space or staff to care for them all. The sad part is, if these kittens could just be cared for until they are old enough to be adopted out, the majority could be placed with families who want them. Rescue groups help with some of these animals, but our also rely on individual volunteers to take in these animals temporarily. They'll provide you with food, vaccinations, etc. You just care for the animal(s) in your own home until they are old enough to be adopted out at 8 weeks. If there's any way that you can help out during this busy kitten season, please consider fostering an animal. If you have pets, please spay or neuter them. If you're thinking about getting a new pet, please consider your local animal shelter. And you can also help by donating towels, blankets and newspaper to your local shelter. Okay, back to my list now (since I will have to spend some time convincing Chris that we are ready for kittens again)...

Use reusable bags: I was already doing okay with this one, and I've made an effort to do even better. It's not perfect, but I'm trying. Did you know...

-Each year, 6 billion plastic carryout bags are consumed in LA County (600 bags per person per year).
-The US uses 12 million barrels of oil per year on the manufacture of plastic bags.
-It may take up to 1,000 years for a plastic bag to break down in a landfill, but even more alarming: Plastic bags are not really biodegradable. They actually go through a process called photodegradation—breaking down into smaller and smaller toxic particles that contaminate both soil and water, and end up entering the food chain when animals accidentally ingest them.
-In LA, public agencies spend tens of millions of dollars each year on litter prevention, enforcement and clean up. Plastic bags contribute greatly to this problem.

After my previous post, I had a couple of people tell me that they reuse their plastic grocery bags as trash liners, or to pick up their dog waste. And I've definitely done that. But that doesn't change the fact that they end up in the landfill, and eventually contaminating our soil and water. And there are better alternatives, like biodegradeable BioBags. I have to admit, I haven't tried these, and I have been using plastic trash bags to line the kitchen trashcan . But it's on my list to check out the alternative options at Whole Foods today. I know Seventh Generation makes recycled trash bags, which is at least better than creating a whole new bag for that purpose.

While we're on this topic, we should all use refillable bottles instead of disposable plastic water bottles, and bring our refillable mugs when we head to Starbucks. By the way, I don't claim to be anywhere near perfect, but I'm trying. I have friends that compost a lot of their waste, but I'm just not ready for that yet (I should, though). Yes, I still use paper towels and ziploc bags, but less than I used to. Oh, and I don't want to gross out anyone, but I really like my DivaCup, and the fact that I'm not adding tampons to the landfill. But I'm seriously digressing from my list today...

Spend less time on the computer: This one really hasn't been happening. Umm, you think that this blogging thing happens quickly? Nope, there's a lot more computer time right there. And I still check my email, like every five seconds. But I have gotten better about turning off my computer at night, and not looking at my phone. You know, unless I have actual work that needs to be done. Like blogging.

Stop reading emails, etc. while driving: I don't even want to talk about this one. Maybe I should turn off my phone before I get in the car. Okay, maybe I do need to talk about it. I LIKE feeling like I'm multitasking, and not "wasting" my time while driving. It's not safe, I know that, and it needs to stop. Maybe I should consider listening to books on tape or find some cd's that will teach me Spanish in the car. Or sing songs with the kids or something.

Let Chris know that I appreciate him: I really suck at this. If anyone has any great ideas, I could sure use some suggestions about how to be more complimentary and less critical. And actually, our 11th anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks, so thoughts on that would be great, too.  :-)

Keep my car clean: Inside, yes. Outside, no. I am regularly cleaning out all of the crap that used to accumulate in my car, which is great. But I still let the kids snack in the car, so the backseat is still pretty gross. And I haven't gone to the car wash much, which is why it's not being vaccuumed often, and the outside is covered in tree sap and bird poop. I know, I should just wash the car at home, which would give me some exercise at the same time.

Okay, so there's my list. And my accountability. Can I really change the things I don't like about my life in a year? Almost three months in, and I think I'm at least on the right track...

Eco-Friendly but Patience-Testing: The Trials and Tribulations of Using Reusable Bags

Do you use reusable bags when shopping? Always? I think I generally do a good job, or at least I have good intentions. I have my nylon BAGGU bags, which I love because the fold up so neatly in their little pouch in my purse, so I almost always have them with me. And they're pretty big once they're unfolded, so they hold quite a bit, and they're sturdy and machine-washable. As it is time to pay for my purchases, they're right there in my purse when I go to pay, so it's not like I forget them. So what's the problem?

The problem is this: in their rush to keep the lines moving and check me out quickly, the clerks at the grocery store or Target don't want to be hassled with using my bags, because it's quicker and easier (and a habit) for them to use theirs. I have found that I need to place the bags on checkout counter before I place anything that I want to purchase there. And tell the clerk that they are my reusable bags. And make sure to unfold them. And give them at least twice as many bags as I think they should reasonably need.

The other day, I was at Target buying some miscellaneous stuff. Mostly groceries, plus laundry detergent. (Yes, our Targets all have grocery stores now, isn't that convenient?) I put my three reusable bags on the conveyor, then my fruit platter, laundry detergent, two bottles of juice, etc. First, the checkout person started to put the fruit into a plastic bag, and I said, "That's okay, it can just go in one of my bags." Then she put the liquid laundry detergent (which has its own handle, mind you) into a plastic bag, so I took it out, handed the plastic bag back to her, and just the detergent directly in the cart. Then the granola bars and other random stuff went into one of my bags (yay!), and then the juice she started to DOUBLE bag in plastic bags. At which point I said, "No, REALLY, I don't want ANY plastic bags."

Perhaps I should just bag my own stuff, you say? Perhaps I should, but I was also trying to pay and keep Brody from screaming. And at the grocery store, I do often use the self-checkout, but I find that it takes about twice as long because I have to wait for the other people who often can't seem to figure out what they're doing to finish up in front of me. And then it's my turn to look like I don't know what I'm doing as I try to use my reusable bags and the self-checkout register keeps telling me that I need to remove them from the bagging area and rescan them, because the register thinks I'm trying to steal something I didn't pay for. So I have to wait for the attendant, who is busy attending everything except people using the self-checkout registers.

All of this just to avoid accumulating more paper or plastic bags. Saving the earth is a lot of work.

Operation Clean Up

We filled up two big black trash bags. And I'm using the word "we" fairly loosely here.

I dropped off baby Brody at a friend's house yesterday afternoon, and picked Jake up from preschool right after nap (his, not mine; I don't get naps). I had to bribe him with a Slurpee to get him to leave school before closing circle, but he came without too much protest, and picked out a cherry-orange combo at 7-Eleven. We went home and armed ourselves with gloves, brooms and a dustpan, and set out for the alley a half a block from our house. I should have taken before and after pictures of the alley, but of course this idea didn't occur to me until we were well into the clean up process, so you wouldn't have gotten the full effect, and besides, I didn't bring my camera anyhow. But here's a pic of Jake in his fabulous gloves.

Jake had a lot of thoughts about how all the trash had gotten into the alleyway in the first place, and what was going to keep it from coming back again in the future. In the end, he thought the most plausible reason for the trash was that the people who used the alley must not know where to find a trashcan to throw away their stuff. "Christy," he told me (I have no idea why he no longer calls me mom, but we're on a first-name basis now), "I think the people must be too tired to carry their trash all the way through the alley, and so they drop it while they're walking. Maybe if there was a trashcan at the beginning of the alley, they wouldn't have to carry it so far."

Sounded logical enough to me, but I pointed out that there are two sides to the alley, so people could enter from either place, depending on which direction they were headed. Jake of course decided this meant that we needed two garbage cans. Somehow, I talked him down to one, which we could place in the middle of the alley. I'm pretty sure that he was still worried that people wouldn't be able to hold their trash until they got to the middle, but I pointed out that they would be able to see the trash can from each side, since it would be at the corner of the 90-degree turn. And maybe seeing the garbage can up ahead would be enough motivation for them to hang on to their waste just a little bit longer. So yes, we also brought along a trash can with a lid to leave in the alley. Which I guess I am now responsible for checking and emptying on a regular basis?

Jake tried sweeping up the trash, but the big broom was difficult to maneuver. He tried picking up trash with the dustpan, but found it hard to scoop up more than one piece at a time. He tried pulling weeds, but pulled so hard that he fell back onto his bottom. He tried picking up the trash with his gloved hands, but, well, it just wasn't fun. And this reminded him of the fun he was missing by not being at school. "Christy, I bet all the friends at school are waking up from nap and saying, 'Where's Jake? Why isn't he here to play with us?'" So, it was my fault that not only was Jake missing out on the fun he could have been having at school, but I was also making the friends at school sad because they wouldn't get the chance to play with Jake.

I found out that the alleyway does get some use, by people other than us. We saw one family walk through while we were on our way there. Another man walked by in the other direction, just as we were about to get started. And one lady walked through while we were in the midst of Operation Clean Up. (It occurs to me now, that if I had described this to Jake as more of a tactical mission à la The Penguins of Madagascar, then maybe there would have been slightly less complaining. Probably not, though.) The lady politely asked us why we were cleaning (were we affiliated with the nearby church?), and nicely thanked us for the job we were doing. Jake noticed after she had gone, "She was able to carry her trash the whole way through without dropping it." I guess she wasn't as tired as some of the other people Jake imagined to be passing through.

As you may have guessed, the afternoon involved a lot of talking (on Jake's part), and a lot of trash collecting/sweeping/weed pulling (on my part). In the end, I think we did a fairly descent job. I left behind a few small weeds (some of them really were difficult to pull out of the cracks along the sidewalk). I'm sure I missed a few small pieces of broken glass (the broom doesn't work so well over the really uneven sidewalk). And there were a few large glass bottles stuck behind a utility pole that I couldn't figure out how to remove without breaking the bottles (I still have no idea how they got wedged in there in the first place). But, we did remove two large bags that were literally bursting with trash. And we left behind a trash receptacle, the effectiveness of which remains to be seen. I felt pretty proud of what Jake and I accomplished together.

Jake also seemed pretty proud, too, when he told his dad about what we had done later. "But, Christy," Jake asked me, "Next time you decide to clean up the alley, can you not invite me?"

The Path to Improvement

There's this walkway (alley? path?) near my house. It goes from the neighborhood to La Tijera Blvd., and is the perfect shortcut to get to The Coffee Co. It's situated between two houses, then you make a sharp right turn, then a left, and it brings you out right next to the church. And it's disgusting. Sometimes smells like urine, full of trash and weeds. When Mark lived here, we used to joke that as you turned that blind corner, you needed to be ready for anything, because you never knew who/what you might run into in there. And actually, I've never run into anyone; I'm not even sure that anyone else actually uses this path. Maybe all the disgusting stuff just blew in with the wind and got stuck. Or maybe it's all been there for the last 10 years, because nobody has bothered to clean it out.

I would like to clean up this pathway. Actually, Jake is the one that suggested it. As we were walking along it one day, I said something about how gross it was. And Jake asked why the people who owned it haven't cleaned up their trash. As I tried to explain that nobody really "owned" it, I realized that in fact, we all kind of own it, especially those of us who use it. Since then, each time we walk through, Jake reminds me that we need to come back and clean it up. And each time I think about how he's right, but wonder about the logistics of it. I mean, it's disgusting, and I don't want to be touching the trash, and I certainly don't want Jake to. And what am I supposed to do with Brody? He's not just going to sit happily in his stroller and watch, and I can't do it while he's running around in the mess. And even if I figure out the logistics, will picking up the trash really make a big difference? It's not suddenly going to be a beautiful alley just because the paper cups and food wrappers are gone. I don't have any special talents to paint a mural along the wall, and even if I did, who's to say that it won't be covered with graffiti before long? And really, how long will it take before the weeds grow back and there's more trash?

But these are the same reasons that all of us struggle with volunteering our time, money or efforts to fix the problems in the world. There's not enough time, and it's too hard to figure out the logistics. What difference can I really make, and will it last? And I know that the answer is, if we all do something, even a little, it adds up, and we keep on working towards our goal. And that's the reason that I need to start somewhere, even if it's just a small, little-used alley near my home. Because I know it will make a difference to at least one person, and that's my son.

Dreams of Orange Chicken

Man, I'm slacking on my posts lately.

I have about five more pounds to go on this diet (and then I will have the perfect body I've always wanted, right? Haha, only if my stomach suddenly becomes flat and my hips and butt fall off). But all I can think about is food...
...Chipotle chips and guacamole
...Panda Express orange chicken
...El Pollo Loco twice grilled burrito

I'm hungry, and I'm tired of eating healthy "filling foods" like lettuce and baby carrots. And I know that I'll stick with it, because jeez, I'm so close already. And tomorrow is my weigh-in day, and then the weekend, when I allow myself to use a few extra "splurge" points. So, I'll make it work, but man am I irritable right now. It's a good thing that Jake and Chris aren't around for me to snap at them (sorry, Brody, you're stuck with me). I think it's time to leave the house and go for a walk. Maybe to the grocery store, where I can drool over ice cream.

Thank you for being a friend...

"I'm addicted to your blog." Pretty much the nicest thing someone can say to me! Thanks everyone, for all of your support. It's nice to know that people can relate. I don't mean for every post to be a bitch-fest, but as I think everyone has already figured out, this is my own form of therapy. It helps me to process my way through some of the things that are taking up space in my thoughts, my worries. And it helps me to be honest with myself about what I'm really feeling and thinking.

Right now, I'm thinking that I still have 10 pounds to go to meet my weight loss goal, and I need to make a trip to the grocery store. Time to look around for some new healthy recipes! Send them this way if you haven't already.  :)

Yum, fried donuts covered in powdered sugar...

And I almost forgot, Happy Birthday to my husband! Chris turned 39 during our vacation. Holy cow, never thought we'd be getting this old (although I have a ways to go before I'm quite that old). When I asked Jake if he knew what comes after 39, he said, "I don't know, you die?" When I told him no, he said, "A googolplex?" So, here's my husband, enjoying his beignets, on the verge of turning a googolplex...

Post-Vacation Blues

Do I only write when I have something to complain about? Let's see if I can make this a little more positive...

We spent the last week in Orlando, Florida, enjoying lots and lots of time at Walt Disney World. Visited the four theme parks on four separate days (Animal Kingdom, Epcot, Magic Kingdom and Hollywood Studios). And in between, several trips to Downtown Disney and the Water Park at our reosrt (complete with water slides, kiddie pool play area and lazy river). Oh, and Chris visited the Kennedy Space Center. Pretty much the most exhausting vacation I can imagine, but we had so much fun. Jake loved playing with his cousins, Brody said "Wow!" at almost every new thing that he saw, Chris got to eat beignets, and we all got to spend cherished time with my family.

Speaking of beignets, spending a week on vacation (and eating food from theme parks) is not easily compatible with weight loss goals. But, I am content with the fact that I only gained back one of the ten pounds I had lost. Walking and pushing a stroller a thousand miles a day probably helps.

So, why the post-vacation blues? Could be that we didn't get home until almost 11pm on Saturday (2am Orlando time), and Jake has not slept well since getting back. (Brody also continues to wake up during the night, but that's nothing unusual for him.) Could be that Jake vomitted all over the bathroom Sunday morning, although he doesn't seem sick other than that and general crankiness. And today was a very rare moment when he said he didn't want to go to school, but I think that's just his own reluctance to leave vacation behind. He even labeled Saturday as "Sad Sadurday" because he didn't want to go back home. Or, more likely, my own blues come from the messy house, piles of laundry, bills to pay, etc. And this is after we spent most of yesterday unpacking and trying to clean up. Yep, it's just Mondays that stink, with the long list of things that need to be done and the next weekend so far away... When's my next vacation?

How much filth can I accumulate in one day?

How come when I step on the scale right before a shower, I always weigh more than I do immediately after the shower? I can be totally nude and do nothing except shower, and I'll find that I lost a pound afterwards, even though my hair is now wet. Do I really have that much dirt, sweat and grime that gets washed away? On a related note, I find that I might be obsessively weighing myself a little too often...

Hara Hachi Bu and Other BS

I didn't quit Weight Watchers. I have to be totally honest, I never thought I would join any sort of weight loss program, so when I did the "free trial" for Weight Watchers a week ago, I never considered that I might actually decide to stick with it. But here I was at dinner tonight, using the mobile app on my iphone to calculate my points and decide whether or not I could have a second helping of soup, or how many croutons I could put in my salad. And the fact that I was doing this was exactly how I figured out that I can't quit yet.

Eat food. Not too much. Mostly Plants.

I lost four pounds. I don't mean for this blog to be all about weight loss, but this has kind of taken over my life this week. We've been eating at home, and fairly healthy meals, but I've found that the hardest part is cutting out snacking and practicing some serious portion control. The Okinawans say "hara hachi bu," which means eat until you feel 80% full. But I have no idea what that really means. Stuffed full? 80% not hungry? That's why I'm currently addicted to my points calculator; I need it to tell me when I'm done because I can't seem to figure out when I should stop on my own.

I was really proud of myself for managing to make every meal at home since we got back from San Diego, and decided we needed to celebrate with a grown-up date night. So Chris and I went out on Sunday for dinner and a movie. We went to Macaroni Grill and got two meals to share between us, the first a relatively healthy meal with grilled chicken and veggies, and the second a delicious pasta, loaded with creamy sauce. I thought it was kind of genius, actually, and got to enjoy some really yummy food while cutting my feelings of guilt in half. And actually, I didn't feel guilty at all since I had saved up all of my "weekly points" as a splurge, and still only went through about a quarter of what I was allotted. But I think Chris might have been happier if we had also gotten some popcorn at the movie theater.

I read Food Rules, an Eater's Manual by Michael Pollan and found it interesting, if not entirely helpful. The book is a collection of 64 rules of thumb related to what and how to eat. Here are a few of my favorites:

Eat food (plants, animals and fungi, not processed, food-like substances)
-Eat only foods that will eventually rot.
-If it came from a plant, eat it; if it was made in a plant, don't.
-It's not food if it arrived through the window of your car.

Mostly plants
-Eating what stands on one leg [mushrooms and plant foods] is better than eating what stands on two legs [fowl], which is better than eating what stands on four legs [cows, pigs and other mammals].
-Eat your colors.
-Don't eat breakfast cereals that change the color of the milk.
-Eat all the junk food you want, as long as you cook it yourself [think about french fries, potato chips, ice cream].

Not too much (slow down, moderate your eating and enjoying it more) 
-Spend as much time eating the meal as it took to prepare it.
-Buy smaller plates and glasses.
-No snacks, no seconds, no sweets- except on days that begin with the letter S.

I don't know how much all of these rules and point calculations are really helping to create long-term success, but I do know that I am at least slowly developing a few healthy habits. And that's what this is all about, right?

Let's Talk Solutions

So, it's been a week since my first post, and I feel like I should talk about what kind of progress I've made. First, my attitude is better (yay!). The baby's still sick (in fact, I found out Wednesday morning that he has another ear infection, which explains why he was so miserable on his birthday). But at least now he's on antibiotics, so although he continues to wipe snot all over the place, he doesn't seem to feel as awful as last week. Today, as we were sitting on the floor, he wiped his nose on the bottom of my shirt. When I lifted it up to determine just how gross it was (bad enough that I need to change my shirt?), he realized that he could see my belly. Wow, fun, mommy's soft, squishy belly! What fun to climb on and squeeze! Look, I can blow raspberries on it! I can cover it back up and then uncover it again, peekaboo! We were both giggling and having a good time. Well, until he bit me, that is, and then I decided having a soft, squishy belly was not such a fun thing after all.

I joined Weight Watchers today. I got an email from Daily Candy that there was a special running until Saturday that I could join and save lots of money, and who can resist that? Well, I really only signed up for the one-week free trial, so I need to remember to cancel before midnight on Monday or else be charged something like $65. But I've been curious about their "points system", so I thought I'd check it out and see if it would be a helpful tool to get me to eat better. (Weight Watchers assigns every food a point value, and you are allotted a certain number of points per day, as well as some extra points for the week for special occasions.) As I was signing up, I was eating a Trader Joe's chicken pot pie, so I figured I'd plug that in and see my point total. I realized before I started that this wasn't the healthiest food choice, but I was still surprised to find out that I was in the process of consuming 17 of my 21 allotted points for the day! Yikes! Now, I have the option of eating "zero points" foods for most of the rest of the day (baby carrots and diet soda, anyone?), or I can accumulate "activity points" by going out and exercising. Wondering just how much exercise I would need to do in order to eat dinner, I decided to check out what going for a walk would earn me. Turns out, if I walk for 30 minutes at a regular pace, I earn one point. I think I need to walk for the next eight hours in order to eat tonight.

Okay, maybe eating healthier is still a little ways off for me. But I am trying to do a better job of at least eating at home (and no take out). I'm pretty certain that I have made more meals at home over the last week than I did in the entire last month. Which is especially impressive considering that we were away for the weekend, so I wasn't cooking anything at the hotel where we stayed. I'm still trying to get the hang of how I am supposed to cook dinner while tending to the baby and the preschooler, at approximately the same time that the baby needs to go down to bed. As I see it, I have two choices. One is to cook dinner earlier in the evening, eat with the kids, and then get them ready for bed. Chris would then eat by himself after he gets home. The other option (which is the one I've been doing), is to feed the kids their own meals first, get them ready for bed, and then cook after the baby is asleep, and eat with Chris after he puts the other one down for bed. But by then, I'm hungry, grumpy, and low on patience. I'm still not sure how to make this work.

I do have one success to share, though. My car is not full of crap! It's still not clean (I'm not going to the car wash when it's been raining every week). And it desperately needs to be vacuumed inside (dried peas and cheerios are everywhere). But other than that, there's nothing that doesn't belong in the car. And I created a system- a bag for trash, and a bag to put all the little stuff that gets collected each day (preschool artwork, baby toys, etc.), so that I can carry it all inside at once, and a notebook to write down all those things that I don't want to forget while in the car. It's helpful because I don't feel like I need to text someone or write an email immediately. And it turns out, if you just stop checking your email every two minutes, sometimes you even forget about it for a whole hour!

In case you were wondering, no, that number on the scale has not changed over the last week. I mentioned that we went away for the weekend. I actually thought that pushing a stroller around the zoo (man, that was a big hill!), swimming, and carrying the baby all around would have been more helpful. But those activity points didn't count for as much as I thought, and apparently it's hard to lose weight when you stuff yourself at Benihana, eat mac 'n cheese and chicken strips at the zoo, and drink lots and lots of coke.

Oh, and since we were away, Brody just would not nurse (too distracted by the new places), so he weaned himself from breastfeeding. Honestly, I was only aiming to do it for a year, so I was ready to be done, too. But I am feeling a little guilty that it happened while he's sick, and a tiny bit nostalgic since I plan for this to be my last baby. And now I'm thinking about those 200-500 calories per day that breastfeeding supposedly burns, and missing that, too. Time for some more walking...

This next week, I need to come up with a plan for cutting soda out of my diet, and making it to the gym. Wish me luck! I'd better go now, so that Brody and I can start our walk. Otherwise, I won't be able to eat dinner until midnight.